Could it be that I am the number one fan because I failed all my exams in high school because I was so tired from staying up to watch Prisoner? Or could it be the box of tapes in my loft with EVERY EPISODE BAR ONE from the point I started watching (Episode 158) to the end? Or how I didn't sleep for a week when I realised I'd missed one?
Or could it be because I own the only copy of the AUTOMATED SCRIPT WRITING TOOL that was used to create every episode of this fabulous show? That's right - there was NO HUMAN INVOLVEMENT in the scriptwriting in the entire 7 years the show was broadcast. To prove this, I have dusted off the Texas Instruments T11-4A computer that runs the software, and selected "CREATE NEW EPISODE" to come up with an all new episode, number 693. I hope you enjoy it!
Prisoner Cell Block H – the new episodes.
Created by the Automated Prisoner Cell Block H Episode Script Generator V1.3
Episode 693.
LAUNDRY:
Bea Smith is operating the steam press, and all the other women are performing their duties. Bea is unhappy with the actions of Margot Gaffney, who has been trying to get the woman to make her top dog.
Bea: Ok, Smoko Girls. Hey, Margot, why don’t you come here and smooth these blankets flat on the steam press.
Margot: Yeah, sure Bea, whatever you say.
Margot brings the steam press down on Margot’s hands. Margot screams and falls backwards, knocking over a large, prominently placed box of Daz washing powder all over the floor. The scream alerts Mrs Morris and Vera Bennet who come running into the laundry from outside.
Vera: What’s going on here? This is a prison, not a holiday camp. Now clean this mess up or you’ll be on a charge!
Meg Morris: (sighing) Alright Margot, what’s going on?
Lizzie: Aw, fair go Mrs M! It was an accident, that’s all!
Meg: What do you think, Vera?
Vera: Isn’t it obvious? They’re animals, and should be treated as animals! It’s obvious that Bea Smith is responsible. She should be put in solitary. Best place for her if you ask me.
Meg: Well, I’m prepared to overlook this, this once.
Lizzie: Aw Mrs M, your bloods worth bottlin’!
Bea (to Lizzie, about Margot) – She’ll keep.
BBBBBAAAAAA—CHUNK! (adverts)
Part 2:
Erica Davidson walks into the laundry.
Erica: Alright, what’s going on here?
Frankie: Bloody screws! Bloody Bastards!
Vera: Watch your mouth Doyle or you’ll be on a charge!
Erica: I will not tolerate insubordination.
Barbie Cox: Naughty Naughty!
Camera cuts towards Edna Pearson, but as soon as she’s about to appear in frame, camera suddenly JUMP CUTS TO:
ERICA DAVIDSON’S OFFICE. Doreen, Judy, Merle and Lizzie are being interviewed to find out what happened to Margot.
Doreen: I promise Mrs. Davidson, I didn’t see what happened. I was with Teddy the whole time.
Lizzie: Well, I’ll be buggered!
Merle – I know how to find out what happened. We’ll ask Captain Marvellous! He’ll find out what happened and he’ll go BLAM! BLAM! VANDALS!
Merle runs around the room making car engine noises and shouting BLAM!
Judy: Oh my GAWD, are you out of your mind?
Erica: Get Merle out of here! I will not tolerate Captain Marvellous in this office.
The telephone rings. Erica answers.
Erica: Yes? Yes. Today? Very well.
Erica hangs up the phone. Immediately, there is a knock at the door.
Erica: Come in.
Miss Ferguson enters.
Ferguson: You wanted to see me governor?
Erica: Yes, I want you to take everyone in the prison to solitary.
Ferguson: Of course, governor.
Ferguson leaves with the prisoners in tow. Erica turns away from them and looks thoughtful and ponders the situation for just that bit too long, whilst some incidental “I am thinking” music plays.
Can I please enter the competition? Thanks!!!
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