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Old 21st August 2012, 06:00 PM
JunkMonkey JunkMonkey is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Western Highlands of Scotland

I've not seen Eldorado but have seen two of Dricoll's other films and I'm actively seeking out the rest. the man is a comedy god he really is one of those filmmakers that can be truly likened to Ed Wood. (I know a lot of bad and mediocre directors are likened to Wood but Driscoll really does deserve the comparison. It's a comparison he has unwittingly fostered by including a unused footage of a recently dead actor (made for a different film).

I love the moment about 2:55 into

where he says: "If I knew what makes a good horror movie then I would be making good horror movies, I don't know."

He knows his films are shit.

Here are my reviews from my film diary for the two I have seen, a third, The Legend of Harrow Woods 3D - starring Jason Donovan, Robin Askwith, Christopher Walken and Norman Wisdom! is on its way to me from Amazon. Cost me 59p (+ postage).

Kannibal (2001) - a straight to VHS, self-financed, incomprehensibly plotted, dreadfully acted piece of serial-killer bumsplatter which is close to nudging Zombie Women of Satan off top spot in my Crappest Film ever Made in Britain list. Godawfully dreadful in every field. I can't work out whether it was the direction - which was frankly ****ing awful, the script - which was frankly ****ing awful, or the production values - which were even worse than ****ing awful (when they were there at all). In the end though I decided it was the script. It's always down to the script in the end, really isn't it? As evidence I tender the following badly-delivered monologue. Which I transcribed with much labour and swearing; I forget how cumbersome VHSs are for doing this sort of thing compared with DVDs. To set the scene: the killer, having finally messily disposed of all the members of a Russian Crime family, and their lesbian lovers (and eaten most of their livers), makes his way to New York, leaves some flowers at a woman's grave and thence to the sickbed of the aged matriarch of the Russian Mafia clan. 'Why are you doing this?' she wheezes through a layer of badly applied latex. He inserts a video tape into the player at the end of her bed. Cue a not very good English actress putting on a variable 'Noo Yawk' accent as she pretends to read the news straight to camera...
"This is February the fourteenth sixty minute special coming to you from down-town New York. Today saw devastation and travesty (sic) in the streets of Manhattan like never before seen when a failed bank raid went wrong and one woman and her unborn child were killed instantly when a hijacked bus careered into the side of her station wagon. It all started at 5:45 when a gang of four armed men broke into the Federal Reserve Building. Unluckily for that (sic) an informant had raised the awareness of the police and a team of FBI were waiting. After a lengthy gun battle one of the men escaped and hijacked a local 201 bus to make his getaway. We understand the bus started its journey at 6:15, the hight of the rush hour traffic in Manhattan, and if it were not for police valour and diligence in this matter there could have been many more accidents. Within a short space of time police had set up various road blocks along the route the bus was travelling hoping to stop the carnage before it careered out of control. It was along the highway that the bus hit the station wagon causing it to smash into another vehicle head on killing the occupant on impact."
You have to admit that is a really great bit of shitty writing. "A failed bank raid that went wrong," does that mean it succeeded? Another treasurable moment came earlier when the police inspector investigating the crimes wanted to know if someone was 'implied in the murders' instead of implicated - a singularly dreadful bit of acting, by the way, from Lucien Morgan who turns in an astonishingly amateur looking performance that would have got him booed off the stages of village halls around the country had he tried it out in front of live audiences. What I learned from watching this film: Shooting out on location guerilla style; out on a London street say, (guerilla style because you have no permissions to be filming on the streets); shooting brief insert panning shots of a character walking round a corner; it's a neat idea to do it from inside a parked car. Passers-by and the police are less likely to spot you, and point at the camera, or try to arrest you. Pretty standard cheapo film making technique. But I'd make sure there's enough money in the budget to run the car through a car wash first. Panning shot with fingerprints and glassy smears over them look like shit. This one's a keeper.

The Comic (1985) the second film directed by Richard Driscoll that I have seen this year (the first was Kannibal back in January). I really need to see the other 5 or so - if only to see The Legend of Harrow Woods; any film with Rick Mayall, Norman Wisdom, and Christopher Walken! in it has to be looked at. The Comic is a masterpiece of incoherence. There's not a shot in this that isn't wrong, including the most inept and pointless dolly zoom I have ever seen. My favourite though, is the long shot of the dock in which our protagonist delivers his daughter to the people who are going to smuggle her to 'safety'. He's been told to be "at the dock at 9:30" or the boat "will sail without her". The long shot of him handing over his daughter that immediately follows this stern admonition is, for some reason, taken from a high angle, a really high angle, it's high enough for us to see all the fishing boats in the harbour sitting like stranded ducks on the mudflats waiting for the tide to return in about, oh, I dunno, four or five hours...? Often, while I'm watching dreadful shite like this, I try to work out what the production meetings must have been like. How did Driscoll - who not only 'directed' but 'wrote' this turd - get anyone to give him the money to make it?

"It's like Eraserhead but in colour!"
"Sounds great but what's the story, Mr Driscoll?"
" Story...? Erm... Did I mention I've got an actress who'll get her tits out cheap?"
I want more!
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