January 11th, 1999 - the first episode of the first series - 'Welcome To Royston Vasey' - is broadcast on BBC2
Who can forget that initial pre-credit sequence, setting the scene for the horrors to come!
SCENE 1. EXT. COUNTRYSIDE. DAY.
WE SEE A TRAIN RUNNING THROUGH IDYLLIC HILLS AND FIELDS.
WOMAN (V.O):
Dear Benjamin, we’re so glad you are coming to stay with us, if only for the night.
SCENE 2. INT. TRAIN. DAY.
BENJAMIN DENTON SITS READING A LETTER.
WOMAN (V.O):
I hope you and your friend enjoy your hiking holiday, and don’t find our little town too boring.
BENJAMIN BEGINS TO LOOK ANNOYED.
WOMAN (V.O):
We’ve never camped, as Uncle Harvey doesn’t get on with chemical toilets.
BENJAMIN LOOKS ACROSS AND WE SEE AN OLD LADY SAT NEXT TO HIM, READING BENJAMIN’S LETTER OUT LOUD.
BENJAMIN:
Excuse me, do you mind? This is private!
TRAIN DRIVER (ANNOUNCEMENT):
Now approaching Royston Vasey. Royston Vasey next stop.
BENJAMIN RETRIEVES HIS BAG FROM THE OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.
SCENE 3. EXT. MOORS. DAY.
A YOUNG MAN, MARTIN, DRESSED IN HIKING GEAR, WALKS DOWN A PATH. HE SEES A SIGN THAT READS ‘WELCOME TO ROYSTON VASEY – YOU’LL NEVER LEAVE!’ HE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A LOCAL SHOP NEARBY. HE WALKS TOWARDS IT.
SCENE 4. EXT. STREET. DAY.
BENJAMIN SITS ON A BENCH. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH. A PINK TAXI PULLS UP, AND HE STANDS, READY TO GET IN. HE PUTS HIS RUCKSACK IN THE BOOT. THIS IS BARBARA’S TAXI.
BARBARA:
Where to, pal?
BENJAMIN:
Swanmills Estate, please.
BENJAMIN GETS IN THE TAXI AND IT DRIVES AWAY.
BARBARA:
Right-o!
SCENE 5. INT. TAXI, DAY.
WE SEE BARBARA DRIVING FROM BEHIND. ALTHOUGH SHE HAS A MAN’S VOICE, SHE IS DRESSED IN A RED DRESS AND HAS LONG BROWN HAIR.
BARBARA:
Are you here for work or pleasure?
BENJAMIN:
Pleasure I suppose. I’m staying with relatives and then I’m going hiking with a friend.
BARBARA:
Oh, it’s a nice part of town is Swanmills. Lovely shops.
BEAT.
It’s where I get my dresses from.
BENJAMIN LOOKS TOWARDS BARBARA’S FEET. WE SEE SHE IS WEARING STILLETO HEELS BUT HAS THE HAIRY LEGS OF A MAN. AS SHE CHANGES GEAR, WE SEE A MAN’S ARM COVERED IN GOLD JEWELLERY.
The good thing is, they know me there now. I couldn’t go into Dorothy Perkins once my bust started showing.
BENJAMIN:
Oh…
CLOSE UP ON BARBARA’S NECK. SHE HAS A VERY HAIRY CHEST AND WEARS A NECKLACE THAT READS ‘BARBARA’.
BARBARA:
I’ve only been on the hormones eighteen months, my nipples are like bullets!
BENJAMIN SITS UP, LOOKING VERY WORRIED INDEED.