Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Happiness Patrol – Part 1
Gilbert: They think it's easy. A thousand pounds of praline cracknel, indeed. They don't know his moods. He's terrible when he's roused. I keep telling them, but they won't believe me. They're lucky to get any sweets at all.
Kandyman: Enough! Where are my specimens?
Gilbert: If they think it's so easy they should have a go at making sweets themselves. They wouldn't know popcorn from peppermint.
Kandyman: I said, where are my specimens? It's time for an experiment.
Gilbert: I think they just slipped under the table.
Kandyman: There's no one there.
Gilbert: But I saw them.
Kandyman: Show me!
Gilbert: But I, I could have sworn they were under the table.
Kandyman: I can feel one of my moods coming on.
(The Doctor and Earl make for the stairs, but a grill closes it off.) Welcome to the Kandy Kitchen, gentlemen.
The Doctor: I'm sure the pleasure's all ours.
Kandyman: I do hope so. I like my volunteers to die with smiles on their faces.
The Happiness Patrol – Part 2
David: Pick your gun up.
Alex: Why? There's no one there.
David: You're right. They've all gone to ground.
Alex: I don't mind. Good luck to them.
David: Shut it. Wait a minute. There's one. It's all right, I'll have him. Just let him get a little closer.
(The Doctor crosses the street below.) Alex: Wait, he's not a drone.
David: He's fair game, and you're heading that way. All right, come on. Come and say hello.
(The Doctor comes up behind them.) The Doctor: Hello.
David: Get back or I'll use the gun.
The Doctor: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you.
David: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed for roof duty, designed for long range. I've never used one up close before.
Alex: Let him go.
David: No.
The Doctor: No. In fact, let him come a little closer.
David: Stay where you are.
The Doctor: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with the gun.
David: That's right.
The Doctor: You like guns, don't you.
Alex: He'll kill you.
The Doctor: Of course he will. That's what guns are for. Pull the trigger, end a life. Simple, isn't it.
David: Yes.
The Doctor: Makes sense, doesn't it.
David: Yes.
The Doctor: A life killing life.
Alex: Who are you?
The Doctor: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye, pull the trigger, end my life. Why not?
David: I can't.
The Doctor: Why not?
David: I don't know.
The Doctor: No, you don't, do you.
(The Doctor takes the gun from David.) Throw away your gun.
(Alex drops his gun.) The Happiness Patrol – Part 3
(The Doctor climbs up out of the manhole.) The Doctor: Kandyman, I don't believe you've met my young friend, Ace. An expert in calorification, incineration, carbonisation and inflammation.
(Ace runs across the kitchen and around the Kandyman's back.) Kandyman: I beg your pardon?
The Doctor: She's come to look at your oven.
Kandyman: Has she, indeed? Then she should wait to be asked. Impolite guests get to feel the back of my candy hand.
(Ace hides a poker behind her back as the Kandyman advances on her.) The Doctor: That may be, Kandyman, but the last time we met you said you were going to kill me.
Kandyman: Really, Doctor? Thank you for reminding me.
Ace: I wouldn't give that pimple head a hundred to one against you, Professor.
(Ace puts the poker onto the lit gas hob to warm up.) Kandyman: Pimple head? I'm disappointed in you, Doctor. I expected you to choose your friends more carefully. Still, she won't be a friend much longer, will she.
The Doctor: I agree, you are a pimple head.
Kandyman: I'm finding this rather tiresome. Heads or tails, Doctor?
The Doctor: Tails. Well?
Kandyman: That would be telling.
(The Kandyman advances on Ace, who grabs the now red-hot poker.) The Doctor: You're playing a dangerous game, Kandyman. That red-hot poker could cut through you like a knife through butterscotch.
Kandyman: I have to bow, however reluctantly, to your logic, which leaves me only one alternative.
(Ace throws the poker to the Doctor as the Kandyman turns on him.) The Doctor: Quick, Ace. Open the oven door!
(Ace does. The Doctor uses the poker to ignite the gas and a massive flame shoots out. The Kandyman retreats through the manhole. The Doctor and Ace run up the stairs.) Ace: What about the Kandyman?
The Doctor: Oh, he'll keep. He's full of colouring, flavouring and preservative.