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Old 12th November 2019, 07:02 AM
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Susan Foreman Susan Foreman is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Childhood home of Billy Idol - Orpington
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Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Caretaker
Clara: There's no way out of this. We're going to die here.
The Doctor: Pass me the vibro-cutters.
Clara: They're in my pocket.
The Doctor: Come on then, pass them to me.
Clara: In my other jacket. At home.
The Doctor: Why have you got two jackets? Is one of them faulty?

**************************************

Armitage: Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3. Hold on, there is just one more thing. Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie, I did ask him to come along. (Knocking on the door.) Ah, here he is.
(A tall figure in a brown coverall and holding a broom enters.)
The Doctor: I'm the new caretaker. John Smith.
Danny: Welcome to Coal Hill, Mister Smith.
The Doctor: Thanks. Yes, John Smith's the name. But, you know, here's a thing. Most people just call me the Doctor. (He winks at Clara.) So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout. I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land. (The staff leave the room.) Yes, no body's taking any notice at all. Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across just as an absolutely boring human being like you. (Clara mouths What are you doing here? He shuts the door on her.) Deep cover. Deep cover.

************************************

The Doctor: So, you recognised me, then.
Clara: You're wearing a different coat.
The Doctor: But you saw straight through that.
Clara: Deep cover in my school? Why? Where's Atif, what have you done with him?
(The Doctor wards her off with his broom.)
The Doctor: He's fine. Hypnotised. He thinks he's got the 'flu. Also a flying car and three wives. It's going to be a rude awakening.
Clara: Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens?
The Doctor: It's assembly. You'd better get going. Go and worship something.
Clara: Are there aliens in this school?
The Doctor: Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on. I'm a caretaker now. Look, I've got a brush.
Clara: Doctor, is there an alien in this school?
The Doctor: Yes, me. Now, go. The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.
Clara: You can't do this. You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
The Doctor: I lived among otters once for a month. Well, I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight
Clara: Human beings are not otters!
The Doctor: Exactly. It'll be even easier.
Clara: Okay. One question. And you will answer this question. Are the kids safe?
The Doctor: No. Nobody is safe

*****************************************

Courtney: Hello? Oi. What are you doing? Are you in there?
The Doctor [OC]: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most dangerous of them all?
(The green light goes out.)
Courtney: There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.
(Doctor comes out of the Tardis.)
The Doctor: Can't you read?
Courtney: Course I can read. Read what?
The Doctor: The door. It says,'Keep Out'.
Courtney: No, it says, 'Go Away Humans'.
The Doctor: Oh, so it does. Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.
Courtney: What was you doing in there? What's that box?
The Doctor: The caretaker's box. Every caretaker has their own box.
Courtney: It says Police.
The Doctor: Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies and children. Towels, there, g-g-go.
Courtney: What was that green glow? There was a green glow coming from in there. What was it?
The Doctor: Of course there was. What's a policeman without a death ray? (School bell.) Oh, listen, there's the bell. Off you go. Haven't you got shoplifting to go to?
Courtney: I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
The Doctor: Oh, yes, fine. Well, cut along, you're running out of time.
Courtney: For what?
The Doctor: Everything. Human beings have incredibly short life spans. Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic. Tick tock, tick tock.
Courtney: You're weird.
The Doctor: Yes, I am. What about you?
Courtney: I'm a disruptive influence.
The Doctor: Good to meet you.
Courtney: And you.
(They shake hands.)
The Doctor: Now get lost.
Courtney: Okay.

************************************

Clara: So, your insanely dangerous plan is? (The Doctor holds up a digital wrist watch with an expanding metal bracelet.) A new watch. Tiny bit disappointed.
The Doctor: This is a very special watch.
(The Doctor puts it on, presses a button and vanishes.)
Clara: Doctor? Oi! Ow! Did you just flick my nose? You're invisible. Ha, ha! Oh, my God, that's incredible.
The Doctor [OC]: Correct. I am invisible and I am incredible. It's simply a matter of reversing light waves. Hang on, I'm coming back.

*************************************

The Doctor: Humans. I never learn.
Courtney: What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it?
The Doctor: You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box. It's a time machine. It also travels in space. And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world, but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.
Courtney: Cool. So, that's really a spaceship?
(The Doctor pulls Courtney back from the Tardis by her collar.)
The Doctor: I'm serious. I'm trying to save this planet.
Courtney: End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do. Parents' evening.
The Doctor: Is your name really Disruptive Influence?
Courtney: Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?
The Doctor: I'll let you know. I may have a vacancy. But not right now.

**************************************

(Inside the Tardis)
The Doctor [OC]: So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet?
(The doors are open, and Courtney is holding on to the doorframe for dear life.)
Courtney: Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.
The Doctor: Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming. But look. The Olveron Cluster. A million stars, a hundred million inhabited planets. (Courtney gags and runs inside. Sounds of an unfortunate occurrence.) Ah, yes. There has been a spillage.
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