'Blood: The Last Vampire' OR 'Blood: The Last Time I Want To See This Rubbish!'

The new demon-fest, kung-fu manga-adap has finally reached our cinemas! It's just a shame it SUCKED so much! This review serves as a public warning!




BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE or BLOOD: THE LAST TIME I WANT TO EVER SEE THIS RUBBISH!





WOW! Well, what can I say about this? It was a genuinely amazing piece of art! I cannot recommend this film more highly. Full of gore, comedy, action, tension and suspense. The special effects blew me away – they looked so realistic yet had a touch of a comical, almost fantastical, element to then.

Anyways, that’s enough talk about DAWN OF THE DEAD, let’s move on to the film I said I’d review. BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE. Mmm. Wow! Well, what can I say about this? It was a genuinely pointless piece of shit! I cannot recommend this film at all! Full of pathetic gore, unintentional comedy, ridiculous action and as much tension and suspense as an ASDA commercial. The special effects blew me away for the simple fact that they were so terrible – they looked so unrealistic and was completely comical... but in a bad way!


As you probably can tell, this film’s major let down was the CGI. To be quite frank, I’ve played PS1 games that have better animation than this film. The blood that is sprayed and splashed about by the female protagonist’s samurai sword as she decapitates, slices and chops her way through countless demons looks completely and utterly fake. Firstly, the ‘blood’ doesn’t seem to be liquid, it’s colour is wrong and, even more bizarrely, the blood seems to be floating! Almost as though this is taking place in outer space, with zero gravity. They look more like CGI Aero bubbles than anything else! And don’t get me started on the main monster! Like most [good] films of this nature, the character has a big battle with a stronger foe and there’s normally a building of suspense and then a final big reveal of this super powerful and dangerous creature. Well, not in this film. The character does indeed turn into a beast. But the whole audience (the few stupid enough to see it. Ahem) burst out laughing once the reveal took place. I have never seen anything quite as stupid looking as this – especially in a film from 2009! Now, I seriously don’t mind bad, or not that believable, special effects, a few films that leap to mind are JASON AND THE ARGONAUGHTS, ONE MILLION YEARS B.C, KING KONG (1933), etc, but they were made quite a while ago! And what’s more, this was funded by Warner Brothers ! But that’s not the whole of it; this film seems to use the terrible CGI every moment they can possibly use it! There’s only one or two shots of real (non-CGI) gore and that’s very minimal. There seems to be more animation in this than the original manga (!); even the shots that do not necessarily need any animation, have. For the finale, black dot things were randomly floating around the screen! Why ? I have no idea – maybe the film had made me crazy and I had started seeing things.


But, special effects are not the only part of a film (try telling that to TRANSFORMERS!), but the rest of the film is also equally bad. The dialogue is OMG LOL funny, with a few lines that would fit nice and snugly into one of Ed Wood’s ‘classics’. There is also an attempt at a deeper sub-plot, with flash backs of the girl’s childhood etc. But surprise surprise (or maybe not) this also flops, and serves to be more of an unintentional parody to KILL BILL 2! Oh, and don't forget the STAR WARSesque ending that pops out of nowhere!


Overall, this film is dreadful. Easily the worst film I’ve seen of the year. But you know what, I really enjoyed it! It was fun and it made me laugh and laugh whilst taking the piss out of it. So for that, this deserves at least a 1 out of 5! See it if, like me, you can see it for cheap and really enjoy a terrible film. If not stick to the manga - which is Okay. I do really believe that if this film was made 30 + years ago, this would definitely be on my list of so bad they’re brilliant films. The closest comparison I can give, is one of those so bad they're brilliant grindhouse films we luv so much - so go along for the fun of it, not the intellegence!