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Old 7th January 2017, 12:26 PM
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Default Thomas & The Magic Railroad (2000)

The Fat Controller has gone away on holiday (which is a perfect excuse to get away from the film) so he has left Mr Conductor to take care of the island while he's gone. All is not bright and well from him as his supply of magic dust is running low and without it, he won't be able to see who's doing what around the island.

This is a perfect time for Diesel 10 to walk in. Not only does he want to wipe all the engines in Sodor out but he's also here to take a very special engine called Lady away and destroy her. Now Mr Conductor and Thomas is gonna need the help of Mr C's slacker cousin, his new friend Lily and her sleepwalkingly dull grandfather to save all of Sodor and find the engine before Diesel 10 opens the door and all hell breaks loose.

Make no bones about it, this is one utterly joyless experience and a complete waste of time for all evolved. The film strays too far from the source material and despite the film having his name in it, our little blue engine is hardly in the film at all.

This was the same problem I had with Tom & Jerry: The Movie, both of these so called films hardly focused on the main character and when they were in it, they were only there to do nothing and sit on their fat arses until the climax. Only here unlike Tom & Jerry who managed to do some stuff every now and then, Thomas does almost legitimately nothing at all until the climax making him and all the other engines USELESS. Honestly even if you cut all of them out, the film wouldn't have made a single difference.

The second problem is the fact it tried to mix both Thomas and Shining Time Station together into one film. If you are British like me, you may not know what Shining Time Station was, well it was a show that aired on PBS that focused on Mr Conductor and bunch of other characters. It was quite popular back in the day in America, since it introduced Thomas to American audiences.

Here though they tried way too hard to mix both shows together, everyone is more or less dying for an important part and because of this the engines hardly appear at all while Mr Conductor gets most of the spotlight. Bloody con if you ask me, made even worse by the fact that no one in the UK remembers Shining Time Station so avid Thomas fans will be disappointed indeed.

The main villain Diesel 10 is just there to be your typical clichéd Hollywood villain who constantly laughs all the time, he's not scary or intimating at all and his comedy sidekicks are the most useless pieces of shite ever. (Other than Diesel 10 they haven't appeared in the franchise ever since.)

Lady is also pretty boring as a character, her voice (done by director Britt Allcroft) is so monotone and just like Thomas she does NOWT for the little screentime she gets.

Acting from the human actors is quite frankly abysmal for the most part. The only one who's even trying is Mara Wilson who is the best of the lot.

Alec Baldwin is incredibly dull as Mr Conductor, he's meant to be so happy and cheery yet you'll want to blow your brains out.

However he is nowhere near as bad as Peter Fonda who sticks out like a sore arse and gives quite frankly the worst performance of his life.

He is incredibly dull to watch, looks bored, sounds like he doesn't want to be here and all his scenes he's in are boring. Bloody hell, inject some life into your character mate, then I could have given a shit.

Acting from the voice actors fare much better, they sound like they're trying unlike the human actors though Susan Roman was miscast as James though.

Thomas & The Tragic Failroad is a disaster on all counts, it's not fun to watch, the plot is as dull as dishwater, the villain's shite and the less said about Peter Fonda's character the better.

It's a soul sucking 85 minute journey into boredom that is unwatchable if you're a fan and just annoying to watch if you aren't.

If you like Thomas, stick to the TV show.
If you like Peter Fonda, go watch Easy Rider or something.
If you like dull as soggy socks villians, you've come to the right place.

At least no one paid attention to this film, that's why it bombed and Allcroft left the series afterwards.
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