Win Phantom of Death!
 

Time to give away more of our stuff! This time up for grabs are three copies of the wonderfully trashy Phantom of Death.

This time we want your pitches for fantasy sequels that have never happened - what would happen say in Tango & Cash 2 or perhaps Phantom of Death 2? You can make it as elaborate as you want but keep it amusing and remember that we can't then go and make the films for you - just give you a dodgy DVD!

Three copies are up for grabs and the closing date is end of play UK time Sunday 18th Nov.

Looking forward to your entries! :popcorn:

How about the long-awaited TITANIC 2.

It appears that Jack (Leonardo DiVincio) didn't actually die at the end of the first one (though he did try). A recent expedition has discovered his frozen body and he now resembles an ice cube (or a Jubbly). He is placed by a log fire to thaw (very low budget film this - can't afford any elaborate laboratory effects) and he finally awakes saying "Dose, Dose" (he tries to say "Rose" but his nose is still blocked up with the odd herring or 10).

After being rubbed down with blankets (and Tara Palmer Tomkinson) he discovers that he hasn't aged at all (apart from a single grey nose hair) and sets off to find his beloved Dose.... I mean Rose. After 2 hours of searching (he was brought to shore in Sierra Leone and it's a long walk to New York) he is finally reunited with his beloved (she's now in a nursing home, smelling of cabbage and being fed cornflakes through a straw) and is shocked to discover that she is no longer the petite, sweet, gobbing Kate Winslet. Although he hasn't aged (owing to a combination of sea salt & hypothermia) she now resembles a cross between Ann Widdecombe, Brian Sewell and a 3 year-old halibut. Jack is so dismayed he chops her head off, yelling "Oh BALLS!" and sets off on a killing spree, determined to rub out every Titanic survivor. After killing all 2 of them he is finally cornered on the Cutty Sark (not sure how it got to New York from London but I'll work something out) and is shot by police (who mistake him for an Islamic fundamentalist, owing to the towel wrapped round his head which he forgot to take off earlier) before falling into the ocean (narrowly avoiding a group of chavs, snorting sherbet dabs on the dock).

However, despite a long extensive search (about 15 mins should do it) his body is never found - leading to the even-longer-awaited sequel TITANIC 3: THE RETURN OF JACK THE KIPPER!!

(this could be directed by Richard Attenborough and Quentin Tarantino)

Tenebre 2: A Dark Encore

Brief Synopsis: Peter Neil cunningly faked that statue death at the end of part one and proceeds to track down the morally liberated and terminate them, via straight razor! Detective Germani’s twin brother has other plans. The chase is on…

Story: Peter murders Anne after cunningly fooling her, with that large sculpture, with some truly David Blain-esque trickery. Seeing as Detective Germani didn’t bother to inform any other officers about Peter’s past, and homicidal tendencies, he is once again a free man.

He instantly starts working on a new novel, about the events that took place in part one. When naughty boys and girls start popping up dead, the police acquire the help of Peter. Believing him to be of great help due to his familiarity with the case, they hope he will help them track down the killer who is still on the loose.

As the body count continues, Peter finds it increasingly difficult to maintain his cover of sanity. Each return to his crime scene exposes a little more of his true identity. Detective Germani’s twin brother - Detective Germani - finds a ‘post-it note’ while clearing out his brothers desk, tragically blown behind the desk as Germani stormed from his office, highlighting his brothers need to inform the big man of his discovery.

Taking this little note to the top dog, Germani gets the go ahead to apprehend Peter. Only problem is, he’s on the lamb. Fearing that his last appearance at the crime scene exposed too much, he has fled to Bologna: Hiding in the northern mountains, feeding off the grapes and helping him-self to hikers and frisky teenagers. Detective Germani is left in Peter’s apartment, reading his work in progress, seeing that each kill is identical to the recent spat of murders.

When Detective Germani gets wind of these recent disappearances, he knows what he must do. Setting off to avenge his brother’s death and bring this rouge author to book… Dead or alive, it matters not, for now it’s personal!

(This of course could be the start of a franchise, Detective Germani could be a quintuplet (all cops!) and Peter Neal could stay hunting in the woods for anouther 3 or so movies... £££)

Eh I see the budget got radically cut for the sequel - TPT indeed!

I toyed over casting a chair leg instead but TPT is more wooden (plus it's cheaper than making one). :)

Deep Red 2: Deeper And Redder

Marcus Daly, having just accidentally decapitated Martha via the necklace-caught-on-a-lift method, finds himself in an uncomfortable position. The police were all set to believe that Carlo was the killer but now, upon finding Marcus at the scene of yet another death, are starting to wonder if it was all an elaborate scam to keep them off his trail. Marcus pleads with them to listen to him and Gianna's story but the police believe that Gianna is deluded by her fancy for Marcus and that Marcus is a murderer and a liar, intent on destroying the good name of his "friend", Carlo and his mother.

In a panic, Marcus gives the police the slip and takes to the streets of Rome in order to prove his innocence. His first port of call will be Gianna, injured and in hospital, to explain the situation.

Gianna, lying in her hospital bed, sees the door open. Someone clutching a hatchet in black-gloved hands enters, but we do not see who. Before she can call for help, she is brutally murdered and the killer escapes. Moments later, Marcus arrives. On seeing Gianna's mutilated corpse, Marcus's mind snaps. He takes up the hatchet left by the killer and goes on the rampage. Determined to find the murderer, Marcus does not care how many people he has to kill to get to the truth.

There are, once again, two murderers on the loose. Marcus and whoever killed Gianna. A dozen of mutilated corpes later and Marcus arrives at the door of Rodi, the caretaker of Carlo and Matha's villa. Rodi is unwilling to talk to Marcus (it's hard to blame him. Marcus is clearly insane and covered in all bits of blood, bone and shit), he is hiding something. In order to make him talk, Marcus begins to hack Rodi apart bit by bit when a child's scream stops him.

It is Olga, the lizard-harming daughter of Rodi. Marcus is torn. Despite his insanity he cannot kill the child's father in front of her. He tells her that her daddy is a bad man and that he's protecting her before he murders her too. He goes to hug the child while Rodi screams at him to stay away from her. Marcus bends down and hugs Olga. Blood spurts from his mouth and we see Olga grinning maniacally. She was the other killer, not Rodi.

Rodi mutters about having told Marcus to stay away from her, before Olga finishes the job that Marcus started.

FIN

Ah well, it's not very good but I thought I might as well have a go!

Almar is out of the country till the 3/12 matey. Should find out next week, i'm sure :)

Hello!

Sorry guys - I finally went on holiday and before I went completed a huge checklist of things to do:

Come up with more horrible sleeves - check
Choose some more films to put out in 2008 that will probably get cut - check
Book some ad space so retailers will stock us - check
Deal with a pile of movies that seem to have no trailers - check
Generally freak out - check
Prepare Powerpoints and booklets for sales presentations - check
Watch a pile more films that we should put out... or not after watching them - check
Announce the winners of the PoD comp - ah ****!

So anyhoo I had ten days off in the US of A and decided to give myself a break from the world of DVD other thank stopping off to buy an 'Alfred Hitchcock Presents' box set which I'm really enjoying!

Anyway I said it was a one-off but frankly with four entrants I'm not about to single one out to not get a DVD so sod it all of you can win win win a copy of the insane PoD which has gone down really well with most - it's real shite with style! Message me your names and addresses (probably again!) and I'll post 'em out.

Apologies for leaving you all but I needed a break - I'm now back to ramp-up the Euro-sleaze. Next stop - can we get Night Train Murders through uncut?

Well it would be incredible if Night Train Murders was passed uncut. I'm looking forward to the BBFC's decision on this. I would expect cuts of about a minute, or perhaps less.

Many thanks Almar. Have forwarded contact details. :) :)

Yes Night Train Murders really will be a tough 'un for the BBFC. I think we all expected the usual cuts to New York Ripper (though clever editing made the resulting cuts 3 secs shorter and a lot more tidier than the Vipco video) but NTM is a bit of unknown territory really. It was rejected for cinema back in 1976 and hasn't been submitted since. I'm expecting some cuts too though it's very very borderline.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah next in the line of the scissors is Flavia and I have a feeling we'll take 'em Night Train Murders style! As for NTM I'm not sure how it will play out - as long as people stop blaming me for cutting the damn things!

Anyway good to be back and yes sleeves - the bane of my life! Following the sheer horror (especially from the States) I think we'll keep that sleeve - others are up in the air - I'll see where we're at with things and post up stuff when there's something I think likely to upset people in the US... only kidding folks - I need to do more shopping in your country (although I hereby pledge NEVER to take the Greyhound EVER again!)

Almar

Cheers Almar, I have a copy though - so keep it for a rainy day :)

NTM will be fine... Sure it's crude, but compared to a certain 'snip-snip' scene from Hostel Two I think it'll be okay.

I'm about 63% sure that Night Train Murders will receive BBFC edits though I can't see them being major or lengthy ones. Alas I have far less hope for Flavia but it would be a pleasure to be proved wrong.

It will be interesting to see just how much the BBFC require to be removed from NTM simply because it gives Shameless an idea as to how far along the line the UK censors have come and what sort of thing may be cut from future releases. Under Ferman the film would likely have been rejected completely or heavily cut indeed.

No one blames you Almar for cutting the films. It's simply the law alas and although we don't have to agree with it there's nowt we can do. The plus is that, cut or not (and many of these films will make it uncut and even restored a la Killer Nun etc), it will give people a chance to get hold of some of the more obscure titles.

Well I can always have a rake about and send you a random horror - I might even have a copy of the worst horror film ever made...:ack:

Phantom Of Death was originally cut by Ferman (18 secs though I don't know the cuts details) and is now passed complete. Ditto for Killer Nun. Even New York Ripper managed to retrieve 3 seconds because the edits were done far better than the Vipco one.

Very often if the cuts are made exactly as per requested by the BBFC the length can be minimal. Vipco used to cut great chunks out of their bloody films because they couldn't be bothered to edit properly. Their diabolical releases of Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox were pre-cut to the point of incoherence and completely worthless. Especially when some of the original cuts would have been waived if resubmitted now (they did the same with Night Of The Demon and I haven't forgiven them for this). :(

Lol, do your worst boyo!

I think it's the genital stabbing/murder of "Lisa" in Night Train Murders that is likely to prove problematic with the BBFC although admittedly the scene does lack certain detail ie you see the knife going in but not actualy making contact. So you never know it might just scrape through in the end. I can't see anything else being cut. The film as a whole is quite restrained in terms of what it does show.

Considering that New York Ripper, Venus In Furs and Night Train Murders (as Late Night Trains) were all originally rejected for UK cinema the BBFC have come a long way since.

Phantom Of Death arrived safe and sound with mucho thanks and appreciation. :)

Ah jolly good - check out the scene where a random dude in a toilet mocks Michael York's hair - it's a scream!

Now I just need to get my finger out of my butt and set up another comp - ah but terrible sleeves beckon - what to do?

A Killer Nun competition is a must. :)

Do you have any sleeve ideas for Night Train Murders yet?