Weekly Comp - Dick Emery / Ken Dodd / Max Bygraves - 21/02/2010

[Daemonia]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two lobsters and a wardrobe.

If Whoopi Goldberg had married Peter Cushing, she would've become a Whoopi Cushing!

[Sec]

Why did Jane fall off the swing?
She was a fish.

What's white and blue and sits in a tree?
Refrigerator with jeans on.

[gag]

what you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo ?

A wooly jumper

[mark meakin]

Old I know but here goes:-
What do Coppers eat on their sandwiches-Truncheon meat
What's green & turns red at the touch of a button-A Frog in a liquidiser

[antmumford]

What do bees become after they die?

Zombees!!

Just thought that fit in with the theme of things here

[Gigantor]

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

[Gigantor]

What do you do when your wife's staggering?

Shoot her again.



What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

[Gigantor]

I got in a fight with my wife last night

She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust.





How do blind people know when they are done wiping?


If a Woman is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no man around to hear her...is she still wrong?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?


A boss asked one of his employees, 'Do you believe in life after death?'

'Yes, sir,' replied the new employee.

'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.'




The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, 'Son, are you able to support a family?'

'Well, no, sir,' he replied. 'I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.'


When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.


When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty.


Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?


If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?


If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?



If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?


Never criticize your wife's faults.
It might have been those faults that kept her from getting a better husband.



At age 66 I'm bisexual. I said bye to sex.


Money talks but all mine ever says is "goodbye."


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.



It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.


Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

[gag]

I got a job at a funeral parlour
But gave it up it was a dead end job

Who get the sack every day they go to work?
Postmen

Did u hear about the man with 5 penises
His pants fit like a glove

What colour do smurfs turn when chocking ?

What difference between a dog and a fox ?
about 6 pints

Why did god create man
because vibrators cant mow lawn

Im happily married
shame my wife isnt

Im not gay but my boyfriend is

2 blonds walk into a building
OUCH bet that hurt

[vincenzo]

Two old women were sitting on a park bench when a streaker ran past. One old lady had a stroke but the other one couldn't reach.


(I'll go now)........