Christmas Comp #4 - Movie 43 - FINISHED

[iluvdvds@Cult Labs]

Hi all,

Christmas is a time for sentimentality, family entertainment and taking a dump on your loved one's chest. Wait, what?!

Today, we're giving away the most outrageous movie of 2013! It may not be everyone's cup of comedy, but if you love offensive and gross out laughs, you'll love Movie 43.

Here's all the info...



Anyone seen or heard about this outrageous, crazy film in the same vein as Amazon Women On The Moon and Kentucky Fried Movie...

Movie 43




The most outrageous comedy ever made!

Release your inner teenager with the most gloriously scandalous no holds barred comedy of the year from producer Peter Farrelly! Definitely not for the easily-offended, Movie 43 is a shocking and disturbing thrill-ride that battered the jaws of unsuspecting cinema-goers’ as they plummeted to the ground at lightning speeds! Dare to rediscover your mischievous streak for the crassest movie ever made?!



Key talent:

Director Peter Farrelly (Dumb & Dumber; There’s Something About Mary) and stars Elizabeth Banks (The Hunger Games; Catch Me If You Can), Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars; Forgetting Sarah Marshal), Halle Berry (Monster’s Ball; Cloud Atlas), Leslie Bibb (Iron Man; Law Abiding Citizen), Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns; 21), Gerard Butler (300; P.S I Love You), Bobby Cannavale (Boardwalk Empire; The Other Guys), Kieran Culkin (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World; She’s All That), Anna Faris (Scary Movie; The Dictator), Chloë Grace Moretz (Kick-Ass; Dark Shadows), Chris Pratt (Moneyball; Zero Dark Thirty), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (Superbad; Kick-Ass), Emma Stone (The Amazing Spider-Man; Zombieland), Hugh Jackman (X-Men; Les Miserables), Jason Sudeikis (Horrible Bosses; The Campaign), John Hodgman (Coraline; The invention of Lying), Johnny Knoxville (Jackass; The Last Stand), Josh Duhamel (Transformers; New Year’s Eve), Justin Long (Jeepers Creepers; Die Hard 4.0), Kate Winslet (Titanic; Revolutionary Road), Liev Schreiber (Scream; X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Naomi Watts (King Kong; The Impossible), Richard Gere (Pretty Woman; Chicago), Seann William Scott (American Pie; Dude, Where’s My Car), Stephen Merchant (Hot Fuzz; Cemetery Junction), Terrence Howard (Crash; Iron Man), Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction; Kill Bill Vol. 1).


Synopsis:

Three daring teenagers journey into the darkest corners of the internet in search of the world’s most banned film Movie 43 and encounter a series of gloriously offensive videos along the way, each becoming more and more uproarious as they tentatively venture into the unknown! From ‘The Catch’ where Kate Winslet stars as a woman on a blind date with the ever-so charming Hugh Jackman, who is by all description perfect. He’s talented, immensely handsome, successful in his career and has shown a lot of balls for a man on a first date. Quite literally so! To ‘Veronica’, where Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin star as former lovers who’s final farewell swiftly turns into a sexual discussion and humorous lament over their relationship with topics including HPV and fingers up the bum, the teenagers can only dare to imagine what the mystical Movie 43 will behold and what the consequences of watching it will be!



You'll Love It Because:


Hugh Jackman with a pair of testicles dangling from his chin; Halle Berry unconventionally whipping up guacamole with her breast; Richard Gere getting hands on with the latest iBabe… It’s so refreshing to see some of Hollywood’s most serious and Oscar-chasing actors of past and present drop the pretense, release their inner teenagers and clearly have a whale of a time doing so! If there was ever a film to make you hark back to the carefree days of inappropriate jokes, even worse haircuts and highly-questionable fashion senses, then let it be Movie 43! Celebrate your cheeky streak with this jaw-achingly outrageous comedy that will have you gasping for air as you cackle with delight and disgust!


Special Features:


DVD: Trailer and Deleted Short ‘Find Our Daughter’


Blu-ray: Alternate Cut ‘The Pitch’, Trailer and Deleted Short ‘Find Our Daughter’




======================================


To win...

All you have to do is give us a good stuffing and let us know your best Christmas jokes! From innocent Christmas cracker roll-your-eyes-dreadful jokes to gross out and very naughty Christmas jokes - all are welcome!

Simply share your Christmas themed joke/s below before the next competition later on Thursday 5th Dec to enter. The funniest joke will win this crazy film!

Forum rules still apply here, so please nothing too racy and certainly nothing offensive, but have some fun and share your yule time jokes.

Good luck,

Kyle

[sawyer6]

[gag]

What never eats at Xmas ?
The turkey because its always stuffed

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel

What did the walkers say to the skips merry crispmass

Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?Because the snowblower was coming down the block.


What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman??A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!

On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?”

Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

[Susan Foreman]

A new take on an old favourite:

"'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
"The man I'm describing in dressed all in red.
I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.
I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
And as he flew off I heard him extort,
"That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court.""

[darthelvis]

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… light sabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader’s reach,

“How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”

[PaulD]

Originally Posted by darthelvis

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… light sabers drawn and sparks flying.

Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”

Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader’s reach,

“How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”

I prefer the more spoilery version of:


“How do you know!?” Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas!?”

"Well" Darth replied, "I'm yer father so I bought them for you. Also, there's no Santa Claus"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

[Rik]

Originally Posted by PaulD

Also, there's no Santa Claus"

[Prince_Vajda]

It was Christmas Eve and Santa was visiting every house, bringing nice presents with him. So he gets to one of the houses, goes down the chimney as normal, and puts the presents under the tree.

When he turns around to leave, there is a stunning 19 year old girl in a dressing gown.

Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?"

Santa " Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go! Gotta go! Have to deliver all these toys!"

The girl removes her dressing gown, and stands before Santa only wearing underwear.

Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?"

Santa: " Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go! Gotta go! Have to deliver all these toys!"

She strips so that she is completely naked now.

Girl: "Santa, will you please stay?"

Santa: "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta stay! Gotta stay! Can't get up the chimney with my boner anyway!"

[gag]

Twas the night before Christmas when Santa got ready
He'd drink his first shot to make his hands steady

He'd load up his sleigh with toys and good cheer,
not forgetting his ice chest with a 12 pack of beer

He was a jolly old elf and worked with a grin,
but remembered the brats then gulped his slo-gin

In a drunken stupor down the chimney he'd fall,
then when he was done... to his reindeer he'd call...

"Hey Bud, hey Miller, hey Coors" he'd shout,
"Throw me a rope so I can get out!"

He flew all night long not a house was excluded
leaving toys and a note "Batteries NOT included"

He looked in his sack and said "I'm just about done",
but then he was sleigh-jacked by a kid with a gun

So now Christmas is over and Santa is sober...

But you could hear his exclaim as he walked out of sight
"Hand me a Heineken and give me a light!"
....


Old Santa said Donner, lets go

But Dasher and Dancer said No!

That Blitzen is stupid

Hes fallen for Cupid

And wont let her out in the snow!

....

Throughout this special time of year
I think so much of you.
To be so very far away
Makes me sad... and blue.

Just think of all the years gone past,
Remember all the joy and cheer.
Then put fifty bucks in my Christmas card
and don't bug me again 'til next year!

.....

twas the night before xmas
and all through the house
everyone felt ****** even the mouse

mum at the *****house
and dad smoking grass
i'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

when out on the lawn
i heard such a clatter
i sprung from my piece
to see what was the matter

there on my lawn
i saw a big dick
i knew in a moment
it must be saint nick

he came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
i knew in a moment
the ****er had fell

he filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

he rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

he swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight
**** on you all
and have a hell of a night

....


Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike "Did Santa get u that?" ....."Yes" replies the little girl. "Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year" and he fined her £5. The little girl looked up at the policeman and said "Nice horse you've got there - did Santa bring u that?"....The policeman chuckles and replies "He sure did!"..."Well" said the little girl "next year tell Santa the f*ckin dick goes under the horse and not on it!!!!

......

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull... !

....

Christmas may be cancelled
The reindeer are on strike
Santa's stuck in Lapland
Forget your brand new bike

Christmas isn't cancelled
Royal Mail saves the day
Postmen playing Santa
Expect that bike mid-May

[Vipp]

Originally Posted by Rik

Either PaulD and Rik are playing a nasty joke on me or my wife and mother are both lying bastards!

No Santa my arse.