The Doctor Who Thread

[Susan Foreman]

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Love And Monsters

(A figure in sinister hat and raincoat comes down in the lift, carrying a briefcase.)
Elton [OC]: And that's when it all changed, that Tuesday night in March. That's when he arrived.
Victor: Lights!
(The lights come back on to reveal a man with a little goatee beard and a cane with a silver top in the shape of a fist.)
Elton [OC]: That's when we met Victor Kennedy, and the golden age was gone.
Victor: So, we meet at last, LINDA.
Skinner: Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm sorry, was the music too loud?
Victor: No, no, no, no, I don't shake hands. Back, back. I suffer from a skin complaint - Exeema.
Elton: Oh, you mean eczema?
Victor: But this is worse, much worse. I blister to the touch. Back, back, all of you. Further, further. Thank you.
Elton: Sorry, don't mind me asking but, who are you?
Victor: I am your salvation.

**************

(Victor reaches for Elton, then gets distracted by a wind and a familiar sound. The Tardis materialises.)
The Doctor: Someone wants a word with you.
Rose: You upset my mum.
Elton: Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me?
Rose: No one upsets my mum.
Victor: At last. The greatest feast of all. The Doctor.
The Doctor: Interesting. A sort Absorbatrix? Absorbaclon? Absorbaloff?
Victor: Absorbaloff, yes.
Rose: Is it me or is he a bit Slitheen?
The Doctor: Not from Raxacoricofallapatorius, are you?
Victor: No, I'm not. They're swine. I spit on them. I was born on their twin planet.
The Doctor: Really? What's the twin planet of Raxacoricofallapatorius?
Victor: Clom.
The Doctor: Clom.
Victor: Clom. Yes. And I'll return there victorious, once I possess your travelling machine.
The Doctor: Well, that's never going to happen.
Victor: Oh, it will. You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor, or this one dies. You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you. So passionate, so sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die. And I'll absorb him, unless you give yourself to me.
The Doctor: Sweet, maybe. Passionate, I suppose. But don't ever mistake that for nice. Do what you want.
Victor: He'll die, Doctor.
The Doctor: Go on, then.
Victor: So be it.

******************

Elton: Even then, after all, that the Doctor saved me one last time. (Elton picks up the paving slap from his desk.) Here she is.
Ursula: Could be worse. (Pink skin, spectacles.) At least I'll never age. And it really is quite peaceful, you'd be surprised.
Elton: It's a relationship, of sorts, but we manage. We've even got a bit of a love life.
Ursula: Oh, let's not go into that.
Elton: And I don't care what anyone thinks. I love her.
Ursula: Ah.
Elton: But the thing is (Zoom into Elton's face.) There we are. I've even bought a remote zoom. But what I wanted to say is, you know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that's it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker, and so much madder. And so much better.

[Demdike@Cult Labs]

Peter Davison is the Doctor

[Susan Foreman]

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Fear Her

The Doctor: Thirtieth Olympiad.
Rose: No way! Why didn't I think of this? That's great.
The Doctor: Only seems like yesterday a few naked Greek blokes were tossing a discus about, wrestling each other in the sand with crowds stood around baying. No, wait a minute, that was Club Med. Just in time for the opening doo dah, ceremony, tonight, I thought you'd like that. Last one they had in London was dynamite. Wembley, 1948. I loved it so much, I went back and watched it all over again. Fella carrying the torch. Lovely chap, what was his? (Tom's dad is putting up Missing posters on the lampposts.) Mark? John? Mark? Legs like pipe cleaners, but strong as a whippet.
(John Mark, 1925-1991)
Rose: Doctor.
The Doctor: And in those days, everybody had a tea party to go to.
Rose: Doctor!
The Doctor: Did you ever have one of those little cakes with the crunchy ball bearings on top?
Rose: You should really look at this.
The Doctor: Do you know those things? Nobody else in this entire galaxy's ever even bothered to make edible ball bearings. Genius.
(The Doctor goes to Rose, and reads the two posters. The boy's name is Dale Hicks.)
The Doctor: What's taking them, do you think? Snatching children from a thoroughly ordinary street like this. Why's it so cold? Is someone reducing the temperature?
Rose: It says they all went missing this week. Why would a person do something like this?
The Doctor: What makes you think it's a person?

******************

The Doctor: All right, there? I'm the Doctor.
Chloe: I'm Chloe Webber.
The Doctor: How're you doing, Chloe Webber?
Chloe: I'm busy. I'm making something, aren't I, mum.
Trish: And like I said, she's not been sleeping.
The Doctor: But you've been drawing, though. I'm rubbish. Stick men about my limit. Can do this, though. (He gives the Vulcan salute.) Can you do that?

**********************

Rose: Heat. They travel on heat.
Kel: Look at this finish. Smooth as a baby's bottom. Not a bump or a lump.
Rose: Kel was there anything in this street in the last few days giving off a lot of heat?
Kel: I mean, you can eat your dinner off this. Beautiful. So you tell me why the other one's got a lump in it when I gave it the same love and craftsmanship as I did this one.
Rose: Well, when you've worked it out, put it in a big book about tarmacking, but before you do that, think back six days.
Kel: Six days. When I was laying this the first time round.
Rose: What?
Kel: Well, that's when I filled in this pothole for the first time.
Rose: Six days ago.
Kel: Yeah.
Rose: Hot fresh tar.
Kel: Blended to a secret council recipe. (Rose runs to his van.) I don't keep it in the van! Hey, that's a council van. Out. (Rose grabs a pick axe from the back of the van.) Whoa, wait, wait, wait. You just removed a council axe from a council van. Put it back. No, don't, wait. Put the axe back in the van. That's my van. Give me the axe. No! Wait! No! (Rose starts digging up the pothole.) No! You, stop! You just took a council axe from a council van and now you're digging up a council road! I'm reporting you to the council!
(Rose finds the tiny spaceship.)
Rose: It went for the hottest thing in the street. Your tar.
Kel: What is it?
Rose: It's a spaceship. Not a council spaceship, I'm afraid.

[Demdike@Cult Labs]

Lalla Ward as Romana in Destiny of the Daleks (1979)

[Susan Foreman]

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Army Of Ghosts

(The Ghostwatch programme is on the television, presented by that bloke from Cash in the Attic.)
Alistair Appleton [on TV]: On today's Ghostwatch, claims that some of the ghosts are starting to talk, and there seems to be a regular formation gathering around Westminster Bridge. It's almost like a military display.
The Doctor: What the hell's going on?
(The Doctor changes the channel.)
Weatherman [on TV]: And tonight we're expecting very strong ghosts from London, through the North and up into Scotland.
(Trisha Goddard's show - I married a dead man.)
Trisha [on TV]: So basically, Eileen, what you're telling me is, that you are in love with a ghost.
Eileen [on TV]: He's my ghost, and I love him twenty four seven.
(Change channel to an interview with a ghost hunter.)
Derek Acorah [on TV]: Well, no one needs me anymore!
(If only. Change channel to an advert.)
Housewife [on TV]: My ghost was pale and grey until I discovered Ectoshine!
French Newsreader [on TV]: Et le President d'aujourd'hui, quelle est
(An Indian newsreader follows, then a Japanese lady.)
Jackie: Oh, yes.
The Doctor: It's all over the world.
(Eastenders.)
Peggy [on TV]: Listen to me, Den Watts. I don't care if you have come back from the grave. Get out of my pub! The only spirits I'm serving in this place are gin, whisky and vodka. So, you heard me. Get out!
(The Doctor turns the TV off.)
The Doctor: When did it start?
Jackie: Well, first of all, Peggy heard this noise in the cellar, so she goes down
The Doctor: No, I mean worldwide.
Jackie: Oh. That was about two months ago. Just happened. Woke up one morning, and there they all were. Ghosts, everywhere. We all ran round screaming and that. Whole planet was panicking. No sign of you, thank you very much. Then it sort of sank in. It took us time to realise that we're lucky.
Rose: What makes you think it's granddad?
Jackie: It just feels like him. There's that smell, those old cigarettes. Can't you smell it?
Rose: I wish I could, mum, but I can't.
Jackie: You've got to make an effort. You've got to want it, sweetheart.
The Doctor: The more you want it, the stronger it gets.
Jackie: Sort of, yeah.
The Doctor: Like a psychic link. Of course you want your old dad to be alive, but you're wishing him into existence. The ghosts are using that to pull themselves in.
Jackie: You're spoiling it.
The Doctor: I'm sorry, Jackie, but there's no smell, there's no cigarettes. Just a memory.
Rose: But if they're not ghosts, what are they then?
Jackie: Yeah, but they're human! You can see them. They look human.
Rose: She's got a point. I mean, they're all sort of blurred, but they're definitely people.
The Doctor: Maybe not. They're pressing themselves into the surface of the world. But a footprint doesn't look like a boot.

**************************

(The Doctor steps outside and raises his arms. Yvonne runs in on her high heels.)
Yvonne: Oh! Oh, how marvellous. Oh, very good. Superb. Happy day.
(She starts clapping and the soldiers join in. The Doctor lowers his arms.)
The Doctor: Er, thanks. Nice to meet you. I'm the Doctor.
Yvonne: Oh, I should say. Hurray!
The Doctor: You, you've heard of me, then?
Yvonne: Well of course we have. And I have to say, if it wasn't for you, none of us would be here. The Doctor and the Tardis.
(More applause.)
The Doctor: And you are?
Yvonne: Oh, plenty of time for that. But according to the records, you're not one for travelling alone. The Doctor and his companion. That's a pattern, isn't it, right? There's no point hiding anything. Not from us. So where is she?
The Doctor: Yes. Sorry. Good point. She's just a bit shy, that's all. (The Doctor reaches in through the slightly open door and grabs the first person he can.) But here she is, Rose Tyler. (Oh no it isn't. It's Jackie) Hmm. She's not the best I've ever had. Bit too blonde. Not too steady on her pins. A lot of that. (Yakkety yak.) And just last week, she stared into the heart of the Time Vortex and aged fifty seven years. But she'll do.
Jackie: I'm forty.
The Doctor: Deluded. Bless. I'll have to trade her in. Do you need anyone? She's very good at tea. Well, I say very good, I mean not bad. Well, I say not bad. Anyway, lead on. Allons y. But not too fast. Her ankle's going.
Jackie: (sotto) I'll show you where my ankle's going.

**************************

[Lever room]
Jackie: But these Cybermen, what've they got to do with the ghosts?
The Doctor: Do you never listen? A footprint doesn't look like a boot.
Cyberleader: Achieving full transfer.
The Doctor: They're Cybermen. All of the ghosts are Cybermen. Millions of them, right across the world.
(The ghosts solidify and form up in squads everywhere. People start to scream and run.)
[Ghostwatch studio]
Presenter: They're not ghosts! They're metal men
(A Cyberman strangles him.)
Police Commander [on TV]: I urge you, stay in your homes!
(Cybermen break down front doors and appear on upstairs landings.)
[Lever room]
Yvonne: They're invading the whole planet.
The Doctor: It's not an invasion. It's too late for that. It's a victory.
Computer: Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated.
[Sphere laboratory]
Mickey: I know what's in there, and I'm ready for them. I've got just the thing.
(Mickey gets his really massive gun from underneath the platform below the sphere.) This is going to blast them to Hell.
Rajesh: Samuel, what are you doing?
Mickey: The name's Mickey. Mickey Smith. Defending the Earth.
(Lock and load.)
[Lever room]
The Doctor: But I don't understand. The Cybermen don't have the technology to build a Void Ship. That's way beyond you. How did you create that sphere?
Cyberman: The sphere is not ours.
The Doctor: What?
Cyberman: The sphere broke down the barriers between worlds. We only followed. Its origin is unknown.
The Doctor: Then what's inside it?
Jackie: Rose is down there.
[Sphere laboratory]
(The sphere is slowly disappearing in a blaze of light. Then four oversized pepperpots glide out of the Void.)
Mickey: That's not Cybermen.
Rose: Oh, my God.
Black Dalek: Location, Earth. Life forms detected. Exterminate!
Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

[Demdike@Cult Labs]

Originally Posted by Susan Foreman

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Army Of Ghosts

**************************

[Lever room]
Jackie: But these Cybermen, what've they got to do with the ghosts?
The Doctor: Do you never listen? A footprint doesn't look like a boot.
Cyberleader: Achieving full transfer.
The Doctor: They're Cybermen. All of the ghosts are Cybermen. Millions of them, right across the world.
(The ghosts solidify and form up in squads everywhere. People start to scream and run.)
[Ghostwatch studio]
Presenter: They're not ghosts! They're metal men
(A Cyberman strangles him.)
Police Commander [on TV]: I urge you, stay in your homes!
(Cybermen break down front doors and appear on upstairs landings.)
[Lever room]
Yvonne: They're invading the whole planet.
The Doctor: It's not an invasion. It's too late for that. It's a victory.
Computer: Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated.
[Sphere laboratory]
Mickey: I know what's in there, and I'm ready for them. I've got just the thing.
(Mickey gets his really massive gun from underneath the platform below the sphere.) This is going to blast them to Hell.
Rajesh: Samuel, what are you doing?
Mickey: The name's Mickey. Mickey Smith. Defending the Earth.
(Lock and load.)
[Lever room]
The Doctor: But I don't understand. The Cybermen don't have the technology to build a Void Ship. That's way beyond you. How did you create that sphere?
Cyberman: The sphere is not ours.
The Doctor: What?
Cyberman: The sphere broke down the barriers between worlds. We only followed. Its origin is unknown.
The Doctor: Then what's inside it?
Jackie: Rose is down there.
[Sphere laboratory]
(The sphere is slowly disappearing in a blaze of light. Then four oversized pepperpots glide out of the Void.)
Mickey: That's not Cybermen.
Rose: Oh, my God.
Black Dalek: Location, Earth. Life forms detected. Exterminate!
Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

I bet Chris Chibnall reads this, shits himself then locks himself in a bathroom for a week to throw up continuously after the ****ing slop he inflicted on us last series.

[Demdike@Cult Labs]

Concept artwork for Hide (2013)

[Susan Foreman]

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Doomsday

(The Daleks have landed and are trundling across the floor.)
Daleks: Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!
Rose: Daleks! You're called Daleks. I know your name. Think about it how can I know that? A human who knows about the Daleks and the Time War. If you want to know how, then keep us alive. That's all I'm asking. Me and my friends.
Mickey: Yeah, Daleks. Time War. Me too.
Rajesh: Yeah. And me.
Black Dalek: You will be necessary. Report. What is the status of the Genesis Ark?
(The four Daleks have a contraption behind them.)
Dalek: Status, hibernation.
Black Dalek: Commence awakening. The Genesis Ark must be protected above all else.
Mickey: The Daleks. You said they were all dead.
Rose: Never mind that. What the hell's a Genesis Ark?

********************************

Dalek 2: Identify yourselves.
Cyberman: You will identify first.
Dalek 2: State your identity.
Cyberman: You will identify first.
Dalek 2: Identify!
Mickey: It's like Stephen Hawkins meets the Speaking Clock.
Cyberman: That answer is inconsistent and illogical. You will modify.
Dalek 2: Daleks do not take orders.
Cyberman: You have identified as Daleks.
Black Dalek: Outline resembles the inferior species known as Cybermen.
Jackie: (sotto) Rose said about the Daleks. She was terrified of them. What have they done to her, Doctor? Is she dead?
The Doctor: (sotto) Phone.
Jackie: (sotto) What?
The Doctor: (sotto) Phone!
Cyberman: We followed in the wake of your sphere.
(The Doctor phones Rose.)
Black Dalek: Long range scans confirm the presence of crude cybernetic constructs on worldwide scale.
(Rose answers her phone.)
The Doctor: She's answered. She's alive. Why haven't they killed her?
Jackie: Well, don't complain!
The Doctor: They must need her for something.
Dalek 3: We must protect the Genesis Ark.
The Doctor: The Genesis Ark?
Cyberman: Our species our similar, though your design is inelegant.
(The Doctor looks at the scene on the laptop through his 3D spectacles.)
Dalek 2: Daleks have no concept of elegance.
Cyberman: This is obvious. But consider, our technologies are compatible. Cybermen plus Daleks. Together, we could upgrade the Universe.
Dalek 2: You propose an alliance?
Cyberman: This is correct.
Dalek 2: Request denied.
(The Cybermen ready their weapons.)
Cyberman: Hostile elements will be deleted.
(They shoot at the Dalek.)
Dalek 2: Exterminate!
(Dalek 2, Cybermen 0)
Cyberleader: Daleks, be warned. You have declared war upon the Cybermen.
Black Dalek: This is not war. This is pest control.
Cyberleader: We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?
Black Dalek: Four.
Cyberleader: You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?
Black Dalek: We would destroy the Cybermen with one Dalek. You are superior in only one respect.
Cyberleader: What is that?
Black Dalek: You are better at dying

**********************************

Rose: You look like a ghost.
Holo-Doctor: Hold on
(He uses his sonic screwdriver to solidify the image.)
Rose: Can I
Holo-Doctor: I'm still just an image. No touch.
Rose: Can't you come through properly?
Holo-Doctor: The whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse.
Rose: So?
Holo-Doctor: Where are we? Where did the gap come out?
Rose: We're in Norway.
Holo-Doctor: Norway. Right.
Rose: About fifty miles out of Burgen. It's called 'Darlig Ulv Stranden'.
Holo-Doctor: Dalek?
Rose: Darlig. It's Norwegian for bad. This translates as Bad Wolf Bay. How long have we got?
Holo-Doctor: About two minutes.
Rose: I can't think of what to say!
Holo-Doctor: You've still got Mister Mickey, then?
Rose: There's five of us now. Mum, Dad, Mickey and the baby.
Holo-Doctor: You're not?
Rose: No. It's mum. She's three months gone. More Tylers on the way.
Holo-Doctor: And what about you? Are you
Rose: Yeah, I'm back working in the shop.
Holo-Doctor: Oh, good for you.
Rose: Shut up. No, I'm not. There's still a Torchwood on this planet. It's open for business. I think I know a thing or two about aliens.
Holo-Doctor: Rose Tyler, Defender of the Earth. You're dead, officially, back home. So many people died that day and you've gone missing. You're on a list of the dead. Here you are, living a life day after day. The one adventure I can never have.
Rose: Am I ever going to see you again?
Holo-Doctor: You can't.
Rose: What're you going to do?
Holo-Doctor: Oh, I've got the Tardis. Same old life, last of the Time Lords.
Rose: On your own. I, I love you.
Holo-Doctor: Quite right, too. And I suppose, if it's one last chance to say it, Rose Tyler
(The Doctor vanishes. He stands in the Tardis, crying, as Jackie runs go comfort her sobbing daughter.)

************************

(The Doctor slowly walks around the console, setting controls, then looks up and sees a figure in white, complete with veil.)
The Doctor: What?
(She turns around.)
Donna: Oh!
The Doctor: What?
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: But
Donna: Where am I, eh?
The Doctor: What?
Donna: What the hell is this place?
The Doctor: What?

[Demdike@Cult Labs]

Colin Baker's sixth Doctor in stamp form as part of the Royal Mail's fiftieth anniversary Doctor Who collection.

[Susan Foreman]

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

The Runaway Bride

(The golden energy flies into the Tardis and solidifies back into the bride.)
The Doctor: What?
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: But
Donna: Where am I?
The Doctor: What?
Donna: What the hell is this place?
The Doctor: What? You can't do that. I wasn't. We're in flight. That is, that is physically impossible! How did
Donna: Tell me where I am. I demand you tell me right now where am I?
The Doctor: Inside the Tardis.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The Tardis.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The Tardis!
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: It's called the Tardis.
Donna: That's not even a proper word. You're just saying things.
The Doctor: How did you get in here?
Donna: Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me. Who was it? Who's paying you? Is it Nerys? Oh my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it.
The Doctor: Who the hell is Nerys?
Donna: Your best friend.
The Doctor: Hold on, wait a minute. What are you dressed like that for?
Donna: I'm going ten pin bowling. Why do you think, dumbo? I was halfway up the aisle! I've been waiting all my life for this. I was just seconds away, and then you, I don't know, you drugged me or something!
The Doctor: I haven't done anything!
Donna: I'm having the police on you! Me and my husband, as soon as he is my husband, we're going to sue the living backside off you!
(Donna runs down the ramp to the doors.)
The Doctor: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't! (She opens the doors and looks at a pretty gaseous nebula.) You're in space. Outer space. This is my space ship. It's called the Tardis.
Donna: How am I breathing?
The Doctor: The Tardis is protecting us.
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. You?
Donna: Donna.
The Doctor: Human?
Donna: Yeah. Is that optional?
The Doctor: Well, it is for me.
Donna: You're an alien.
The Doctor: Yeah.

*********************

(Donna cannot cope with the reality of dimensional transcendentalism and is walking away.)
The Doctor: Donna.
Donna: Leave me alone. I just want to get married.
The Doctor: Come back to the Tardis.
Donna: No way. That box is too weird.
The Doctor: It's bigger on the inside, that's all.
Donna: Oh! That's all? Ten past three. I'm going to miss it.
The Doctor: You can phone them. Tell them where you are.
Donna: How do I do that?
The Doctor: Haven't you got a mobile?
Donna: I'm in my wedding dress. It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets? When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say is give me pockets!
The Doctor: This man you're marrying. What's his name?
Donna: Lance.
The Doctor: Good luck, Lance.
Donna: Oi! No stupid Martian is going to stop me from getting married. To hell with you!
(Donna runs away.)
The Doctor: I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not from Mars.
Donna: Taxi! (It drives past.) Why's his light on?
The Doctor: There's another one!
Donna: Taxi! Oi!
(Another drives past with its For Hire light on.)
The Doctor: There's one!
Donna: Oi!
The Doctor: Do you have this effect on everyone? Why aren't they stopping?
Donna: They think I'm in fancy dress.
Driver: Stay off the sauce, darling!
Donna: They think I'm drunk.
Men In Car: You're fooling no one, mate!
Donna: They think I'm in drag!
The Doctor: Hold on, hold on.
(The Doctor does a very piercing whistle and a taxi does a quick U turn to pick them up.)

****************************

(The Empress transports herself in.)
The Doctor: Racnoss? But that's impossible. You're one of the Racnoss?
Empress: Empress of the Racnoss.
(Lance climbs the ladder, then runs.)
The Doctor: If you're the Empress, where's the rest of the Racnoss? Or, are you the only one?
Empress: Such a sharp mind.
The Doctor: That's it, the last of your kind. The Racnoss come from the Dark Times, billions of years ago. Billions. They were carnivores, omnivores. They devoured whole planets.
Empress: Racnoss are born starving. Is that our fault?
Donna: They eat people?
The Doctor: HC Clements, did he wear those, those er, black and white shoes?
Donna: He did. We used to laugh. We used to call him the fat cat in spats. (The Doctor points to a pair of feet sticking out of the web across the ceiling, wearing black and white shoes.) Oh, my God!
Empress: Mmm. My Christmas dinner.
The Doctor: You shouldn't even exist. Way back in history, the fledgling Empires went to war against the Racnoss they were wiped out.
(Lance is on a balcony above the Empress. He makes the shush gesture.)
Empress: Except for me.
Donna: But that's what I've got inside me, that Huon energy thing. Oi! Look at me, lady, I'm talking. Where do I fit in? How comes I get all stacked up with these Huon particles? Look at me, you! Look me in the eye and tell me.
Empress: The bride is so feisty.
(Lance is sneaking up behind the giant Empress with a fire axe.)
Donna: Yes, I am! And I don't know what you are, you big thing, but a spider's just a spider and an axe is an axe! Now, do it!
(Lance starts to swing the axe. The Empress turns and hisses at him. Lance laughs, and the Empress joins in.)
Lance: That was a good one. Your face.
Empress: Lance is funny.
Donna: What?
The Doctor: I'm sorry.
Donna: Sorry for what? Lance, don't be so stupid! Get her!
Lance: God, she's thick. Months I've had to put up with her. Months. A woman who can't even point to Germany on a map.
Donna: I don't understand.
The Doctor: How did you meet him?
Donna: In the office.
The Doctor: He made you coffee.
Donna: What?
Lance: Every day, I made you coffee.
The Doctor: You had to be dosed with liquid particles over six months.
Donna: He was poisoning me.
The Doctor: It was all there in the job title. The Head of Human Resources.
Lance: This time, it's personnel.
Donna: But, we were getting married.
Lance: Well, I couldn't risk you running off. I had to say yes. And then I was stuck with a woman who thinks the height of excitement is a new flavour Pringle. Oh, I had to sit there and listen to all that yap yap yap. Oh, Brad and Angelina. Is Posh pregnant? X Factor, Atkins Diet, Feng Shui, split ends, text me, text me, text me. Dear God, the never ending fountain of fat, stupid trivia. I deserve a medal.
The Doctor: Oh, is that what she's offered you? The Empress of the Racnoss? What are you, her consort?
Lance: It's better than a night with her.
Donna: But I love you.
Lance: That's what made it easy. It's like you said, Doctor. The big picture. What's the point of it all if the human race is nothing? That's what the Empress can give me. The chance to go out there. To see it. The size of it all. I think you understand that, don't you, Doctor?

*****************************

Empress: Harvest the humans! Reduce them to meat. (Energy lances out from the spaceship's lower four arms, wreaking havoc in the streets. The little girl screams as one beam cuts through the road until someone snatches her out of its way.) My children are climbing towards me and none shall stop them. (A robot walks up the steps.) So you might as well unmask, my clever little doctor man.
(The Doctor removes the robot mask and robe.)
The Doctor: Oh well. Nice try. I've got you, Donna!
(He points his sonic screwdriver at Donna, and the web starts to give way.)
Donna: I'm going to fall!
The Doctor: You're going to swing! I've got you! (Screaming, Donna swings across the hole, past the Empress and stops underneath the landing where the Doctor is standing. The strand of web was just six feet too long. She drops to the ground with a clang.) Oh. Sorry.
Donna: Thanks for nothing.
Empress: The doctor man amuses me.
The Doctor: Empress of the Racnoss, I give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you and your children a place in the universe to co-exist. Take that offer and end this now.
Empress: These men are so funny.
The Doctor: What's your answer?
Empress: Oh I'm afraid I have to decline.
The Doctor: What happens next is your own doing.
Empress: I'll show you what happens next. At arms! Take aim! And
The Doctor: Relax.
(The robots slump.)
Donna: What did you do?
The Doctor: Guess what I've got, Donna? (A robot remote control.) Pockets.
Donna: How did that fit in there?
The Doctor: They're bigger on the inside.
Empress: Roboforms are not necessary. My children may feast on Martian flesh.
The Doctor: Oh, but I'm not from Mars.
Empress: Then where?
The Doctor: My home planet is far away and long since gone. But its name lives on. Gallifrey.