[Boo Radley]

I have watched some turgid crap in my time but straight into numero uno of celluloid shit ever witnessed by my eyes is Hard To Be A God. I so wanted to like it, too. The concept sounds great. Scientists visit the planet Arkanar and discover a society 800 years behind our own earth. The intelligentsia is being wiped out by Arkanar's cruel rulers but can the scientists help the world towards a more enlightened future?

Can they feck! Now, I'm quite willing to admit that I'm not the sharpest tool in the box but I'm not the dullest either. Seriously, WTF?? After an hour of this I was so tempted to turn it off but thought that would be a disservice and persevered for another hour when thoughts of self harm flooded my mind. Like a martyr to the cause I stayed to the very end in the full knowledge that brain damage may likely occur.

So what was wrong with it? It was made, for a start. Actors stare into the camera trying to give the impression that some cameraman is recording the events as they unfold - if you can see past objects continuously swinging out of focus just inches in front of the lens, chicken feet, swords, fingers, rope, whatever. I have no idea, if anything, this is meant to signify but all it is, is distracting and bloody annoying. Food is there to chew for a few seconds and then be spat out, on the floor, back in the bowl or in someones face.

There seems to be an obsession with shit and dirt/mud in particular. Mixed together if at all possible and then rubbed on someone. The biggest kink however is reserved for sniffing. Sniffing stuff is big in Arkanar. Everyone does it. To everything. People, dogs, clothes, food, shit, dead people but especially fingers. They sniff their own and others fingers as if they just spent a night with Sweaty Betty and want to remind themselves just what rotten whale blubber smells like.

The dialogue leaves you confused and wondering if there is some miss-translation from the Russian. Example; "Here. Drink." "Why?" "Everyone is rubbing themselves." Another one; "Me dogs sprouted - and it keeps on raining." Most of the dialogue is disjointed rambling, means nothing and no conversation advances the plot (Plot...? Ha! That's a good one!) or even makes sense. In fact I think it would have been better with no subtitles at all.

Even with the worst films you've ever seen you can usually find something good to say about it but the best thing I can say about Hard to be a God is that it finally ended. £15.00 bloody quid and 3 hours of sheer mind numbing crap. Please can anyone tell me (Michael Brooke...?) what on earth did I not get or am I just a Philistine?

Avoid like Sweaty Betty after she's pulled a train out the back of the pub!