INSIDIOUS 3
Prequel to the first two films that owes a debt to J Horror more than to the other films in the series. It whips along at a fair pace so you can skip over the faults in its own logic as you marvel at the underlying sexual weirdness that is all over it. And weird it is in the sexual stakes with the teenage heroine spending most of the film on a bed with her legs spread wide, in plaster casts and underwear, as wizened old men attack her before dragging her into the world of the dead. Here she spends her time as an amputee crawling on the floor endlessly with her arse in the air whilst in our world three men bind her to a chair with a phone cable!
Weirder still, girl MTDS made me watch NATIVITY 3: DUDE, WHERE'S MY DONKEY. Mother of F*ck! It is one of the most frantic films ever made, an endless parade of singing and dancing from 5 minutes in when the whole plot is explained leaving the rest of the running time to feature every dance school in the country badly lip syncing and prancing about out of time. Weirdly, it reminded me of THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES for some reason, a reason I am afraid to explore.
SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER
WWE Superstars THE MIZ and PAIGE feature in this kids flick that the boy and girl MTDS both greatly enjoyed but not as much as we all enjoyed watching The Undertaker kicking seven shades of shit out of Ric Flair in our mammoth watch of The Streak.
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