[Susan Foreman]

I watched '50 Shades Of Grey' earlier. Well, I say I watched it - I actually lasted about 40 minutes before I turned it off

To describe it as 'abysmal' and 'pitiful' would be doing it a favour. It certainly is a poor film!

It is badly miscast. For a film that is supposed to be an erotic romance, Jamie Dornan (Christian Grey) and Dakota Johnson (Anastacia Steele) are incredibly plain, and nowhere as near glamorous as they needed to be. There is absolutely no sexual tension or (more importantly) chemistry between the two characters. I had to be told that Anastacia had fallen in love with Christian because I certainly didn't see it on the screen

But even a film with hideous acting, directing, editing and storyline can be saved by believable dialogue right?

Check out this laff riot:

Christian: It's just behind this door.
Anastasia: What is?
Christian: My playroom.
Anastasia: Like your Xbox and stuff?

Anastasia: You're a sadist?
Christian: I'm a dominant.
Anastasia: What is that mean?
Christian: It means that I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me.
Anastasia: Why would I do that?
Christian: To please me.
Anastasia: To please you? How?
Christian: I have rules. If you follow them, I'll reward you. If you don't, I'll punish you.
Anastasia: What can I get out of this?
Christian: Me.

Anastasia: Also, on page 5 there are some terms which need clarification. Suspension?
Christian: Hanging on ropes from the ceiling.
Anastasia: For what possible reason?
Christian: For your pleasure.
Anastasia: Really?
Christian: And mine. Something to consider.

And when we got to the classic

Anastacia: Do you want to make love to me?
Christian: I don't make love. I f**k... hard.

I had had enough and stopped my suffering to save my sanity!