Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Two Doctors – Part 1
(The Tardis has parked herself in the galley area. A red-haired chef with impressive eyebrows and various cutlery hanging from his tool belt approaches. The Doctor and Jamie come out.) Shockeye: How dare you! How dare you transmat that object into my kitchens?
Doctor 2: How dare you have the impertinence to address me like that?
(Shockeye gets a large carving knife.) Shockeye: I am Shockeye, o' the Quauncing Grig!
Doctor 2: I'm not interested in the pedigree of an Androgum.
Shockeye: Stay!
Doctor 2: I am a Time Lord.
Shockeye: Oh. Oh, I. My humblest apologies. I should have realised.
(Still holding on to the large knife, Shockeye bows. The Doctor feels along the table behind him for an equal weapon and finds - a cucumber.) But this one with you?
Doctor 2: He is from the planet Earth. A human.
Shockeye: A Tellurian? Oh! I have not seen one of these before. Is it a gift for Dastari?
Doctor 2: A gift?
Shockeye: Oh, such a soft white skin, whispering of a tender succulence. Dastari will not appreciate its qualities, you know. He has no sensual refinement. Let me buy it from you.
Doctor 2: My companion is not for sale!
Shockeye: I promise you lord, no chef in the nine planets would do more to bring out the flavour of the beast.
(The Doctor waves his 'weapon' at Shockeye.) Doctor 2: You get on with your butchery. Come along, Jamie.
(Jamie circles Shockeye, not turning his back, and follows the Doctor out.) Shockeye: Oh. Oh. I can just taste that flesh.
(Shockeye swings a cleaver into a small carcase on the block.) (Jamie runs to catch up his Doctor.) Jamie: Who was that?
Doctor 2: Shockeye of the Quauncing Grig, so he said.
Jamie: I know what he said, but
Doctor 2: He's an Androgum, Jamie. The Androgums are the servitors here. They do all the station maintenance.
Jamie: Ah, you mean a scullion.
Doctor 2: Yes, with a high opinion of himself. Chefs usually have.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
[the Sixth Doctor is fishing. Peri throws a stone into the water]
Doctor 6: Don't do that! You'll frighten the fish.
(Peri tosses in another stone. Plop!) Peri: What fish? Doctor, I'm bored. We've been here for hours.
Doctor 6: You know, I think it was Rassilon who once said, there are few ways in which a Time Lord can be more innocently occupied, then in catching fish.
Peri: That's a whopper.
Doctor 6: Where? I don't see one.
Peri: It was Doctor Johnson who said that, about money.
Doctor 6: Well, what's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?
Peri: Anyway, you're not innocently employed in catching fish, are you?
Doctor 6: They're just lazy today. Any angler will tell you there are times when nothing will tempt them.
Peri: That so?
Doctor 6: The last time I fished this particular stretch, I landed four magnificent gumblejack in less than ten minutes.
Peri: Gumblejack?
Doctor 6: The finest fish in this galaxy, probably the universe. Cleaned, skinned, quickly pan-fried in their own juices till they're golden brown. Ambrosia steeped in nectar, Peri. The flavour is unforgettable. I think I've got a bite!
The Two Doctors – Part 2
Peri: Doctor.
Jamie: He's not the Doctor I know.
Doctor 6: I am too, Jamie McCrimmon. I am another aspect of him, just as he is of me.
Jamie: Eh?
Doctor 6: I was him, he will be me.
Jamie: Who will I be?
Doctor 6: Peri, look at this.
(The Doctor turns on the image of Peri being tortured.) Peri: Doctor, it's horrible. Stop it!
Doctor 6: Life like, isn't it? Or rather, death like.
(He turns it off.) Jamie: But that's how they killed the Doctor. I saw it.
Doctor 6: I don't think they did, Jamie. I'm beginning to understand, now. They left this illusion to make it appear that I was dead.
Peri: Who?
Doctor 6: The Sontarans. They wanted to prevent any investigation into my disappearance, which means I must have been held captive somewhere.
Peri: But why am I in it?
Doctor 6: That was their mistake. They left the animator switched on. When you looked into that, it copied your body print.
Jamie: So you don't think the Doctor's dead? I mean, my Doctor.
Doctor 6: No, I don't, Jamie. And if I'm not dead in that form, it means my theory about the embolism is also wrong. Well, this begins to have all the hallmarks of a conspiracy.
Peri: What sort of conspiracy?
Jamie: A plot.
Doctor 6: That's right, Jamie. A plot to kidnap me and Dastari as well. And he's about the only bio-geneticist in the galaxy capable of isolating the symbiotic nuclei of a Time Lord.
Peri: So that's how you control the Tardis. Symbiosis.
Doctor 6: If the Sontarans ever get unlimited access to time travel, they'll be invincible. We must find out where they're holding me.
Jamie: How could we do that? They could be anywhere.
Doctor 6: I made contact with myself before during that mind-slip. I'll try telepathy. It's about our only chance.
(The Doctor lies down on a bench.) Now, I shall seem to be unconscious for a while, but don't worry. And while my mind is out of my body, don't touch me. Don't come anywhere near me. Any kind of contact might sever the astral link and kill me.
Peri: How long will you be?
Doctor 6: Hmm? Oh, seconds, hours, days. Who knows? There's no such thing as time on the astral plane.
Jamie: I think your Doctor's worse than mine.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Stike: Doctor, you have a chance, in death, to help the Sontaran cause.
Doctor 2: How can I do that?
Stike: Tell Dastari where your symbiotic nuclei is located in your cell structure. Vital time will be saved and I can be on my way.
Doctor 2: Is that what Chessene's offered you, the knowledge of unlimited time travel? In that case, you should watch your back, Stike.
Stike: What?
Doctor 2: She's an Androgum! A race to whom treachery is as natural as breathing. They're a bit like you Sontarans in that respect!
(Stike slaps the Doctor.) Stike: That is for the slur on my people!
Doctor 2: And for that I demand satisfaction!
Stike: You know that is impossible.
Doctor 2: I am challenging you to a duel, Stike. That is traditional among Sontarans, is it not?
Stike: Oh, I would dearly love to kill you, but unfortunately you are needed alive.
Doctor 2: Release me, Stike. You are not only without honour, you're a coward as well.
Stike: As you are not a Sontaran, Doctor, you cannot impugn my honour.
(Stike leaves.) Doctor 2: Well, that didn't work, did it?
The Two Doctors – Part 3
(Oscar Botcherby hands menus to customers then goes to a waiter.) Oscar: Juan, can you see to table six.
(Then he goes over to the latest people to enter the restaurant. Anita is at the desk.) Welcome to Las Cadenas, senors. Oh, how delightful to have see gentlemen of the old school. May I enquire if you have a booking?
Shockeye: Booking? I want food.
Oscar: No reservation. Well, come this way. Fortunately, I have an excellent table for you.
(Shockeye and the second Doctor follow Oscar through to their table.) Shockeye: Do you serve humans here?
Oscar: Most of the time, sir. Yes, I think I could venture to say that most of our customers are certainly human.
Shockeye: I mean human meat, you fawning imbecile.
Oscar: No, sir. I'm afraid the nouvelle cuisine has not yet penetrated this establishment. Juan?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Doctor 6: A Stattenheim remote control? Where did you get that? I've always wanted one of those.
Doctor 2: Some of us have earned these little privileges.
(The second Doctor whistles and the Tardis materialises nearby. The Doctor opens the door.) Jamie.
Jamie: Er, after you, Doctor.
Doctor 2: No, after you, Jamie.
Jamie: Goodbye, Peri.
Peri: Bye.
(Jamie and Peri shake hands, then Jamie kisses her on the cheek.) Jamie: Doctor.
Doctor 6: Jamie. Keep an eye on the old gentleman, will you?
(Jamie enters the Tardis.) Doctor 2: Do try and keep out of my way in future and in past, there's a good fellow. The time continuum should be big enough for the both of us. Just.
Doctor 6: Do you know, I think I preferred you as an Androgum.