Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Runaway Bride
(The golden energy flies into the Tardis and solidifies back into the bride.) The Doctor: What?
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: But
Donna: Where am I?
The Doctor: What?
Donna: What the hell is this place?
The Doctor: What? You can't do that. I wasn't. We're in flight. That is, that is physically impossible! How did
Donna: Tell me where I am. I demand you tell me right now where am I?
The Doctor: Inside the Tardis.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The Tardis.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The Tardis!
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: It's called the Tardis.
Donna: That's not even a proper word. You're just saying things.
The Doctor: How did you get in here?
Donna: Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me. Who was it? Who's paying you? Is it Nerys? Oh my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it.
The Doctor: Who the hell is Nerys?
Donna: Your best friend.
The Doctor: Hold on, wait a minute. What are you dressed like that for?
Donna: I'm going ten pin bowling. Why do you think, dumbo? I was halfway up the aisle! I've been waiting all my life for this. I was just seconds away, and then you, I don't know, you drugged me or something!
The Doctor: I haven't done anything!
Donna: I'm having the police on you! Me and my husband, as soon as he is my husband, we're going to sue the living backside off you!
(Donna runs down the ramp to the doors.) The Doctor: No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't!
(She opens the doors and looks at a pretty gaseous nebula.) You're in space. Outer space. This is my space ship. It's called the Tardis.
Donna: How am I breathing?
The Doctor: The Tardis is protecting us.
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. You?
Donna: Donna.
The Doctor: Human?
Donna: Yeah. Is that optional?
The Doctor: Well, it is for me.
Donna: You're an alien.
The Doctor: Yeah.
*********************
(Donna cannot cope with the reality of dimensional transcendentalism and is walking away.) The Doctor: Donna.
Donna: Leave me alone. I just want to get married.
The Doctor: Come back to the Tardis.
Donna: No way. That box is too weird.
The Doctor: It's bigger on the inside, that's all.
Donna: Oh! That's all? Ten past three. I'm going to miss it.
The Doctor: You can phone them. Tell them where you are.
Donna: How do I do that?
The Doctor: Haven't you got a mobile?
Donna: I'm in my wedding dress. It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets? When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say is give me pockets!
The Doctor: This man you're marrying. What's his name?
Donna: Lance.
The Doctor: Good luck, Lance.
Donna: Oi! No stupid Martian is going to stop me from getting married. To hell with you!
(Donna runs away.) The Doctor: I'm, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not from Mars.
Donna: Taxi!
(It drives past.) Why's his light on?
The Doctor: There's another one!
Donna: Taxi! Oi!
(Another drives past with its For Hire light on.) The Doctor: There's one!
Donna: Oi!
The Doctor: Do you have this effect on everyone? Why aren't they stopping?
Donna: They think I'm in fancy dress.
Driver: Stay off the sauce, darling!
Donna: They think I'm drunk.
Men In Car: You're fooling no one, mate!
Donna: They think I'm in drag!
The Doctor: Hold on, hold on.
(The Doctor does a very piercing whistle and a taxi does a quick U turn to pick them up.)
****************************
(The Empress transports herself in.) The Doctor: Racnoss? But that's impossible. You're one of the Racnoss?
Empress: Empress of the Racnoss.
(Lance climbs the ladder, then runs.) The Doctor: If you're the Empress, where's the rest of the Racnoss? Or, are you the only one?
Empress: Such a sharp mind.
The Doctor: That's it, the last of your kind. The Racnoss come from the Dark Times, billions of years ago. Billions. They were carnivores, omnivores. They devoured whole planets.
Empress: Racnoss are born starving. Is that our fault?
Donna: They eat people?
The Doctor: HC Clements, did he wear those, those er, black and white shoes?
Donna: He did. We used to laugh. We used to call him the fat cat in spats.
(The Doctor points to a pair of feet sticking out of the web across the ceiling, wearing black and white shoes.) Oh, my God!
Empress: Mmm. My Christmas dinner.
The Doctor: You shouldn't even exist. Way back in history, the fledgling Empires went to war against the Racnoss they were wiped out.
(Lance is on a balcony above the Empress. He makes the shush gesture.) Empress: Except for me.
Donna: But that's what I've got inside me, that Huon energy thing. Oi! Look at me, lady, I'm talking. Where do I fit in? How comes I get all stacked up with these Huon particles? Look at me, you! Look me in the eye and tell me.
Empress: The bride is so feisty.
(Lance is sneaking up behind the giant Empress with a fire axe.) Donna: Yes, I am! And I don't know what you are, you big thing, but a spider's just a spider and an axe is an axe! Now, do it!
(Lance starts to swing the axe. The Empress turns and hisses at him. Lance laughs, and the Empress joins in.) Lance: That was a good one. Your face.
Empress: Lance is funny.
Donna: What?
The Doctor: I'm sorry.
Donna: Sorry for what? Lance, don't be so stupid! Get her!
Lance: God, she's thick. Months I've had to put up with her. Months. A woman who can't even point to Germany on a map.
Donna: I don't understand.
The Doctor: How did you meet him?
Donna: In the office.
The Doctor: He made you coffee.
Donna: What?
Lance: Every day, I made you coffee.
The Doctor: You had to be dosed with liquid particles over six months.
Donna: He was poisoning me.
The Doctor: It was all there in the job title. The Head of Human Resources.
Lance: This time, it's personnel.
Donna: But, we were getting married.
Lance: Well, I couldn't risk you running off. I had to say yes. And then I was stuck with a woman who thinks the height of excitement is a new flavour Pringle. Oh, I had to sit there and listen to all that yap yap yap. Oh, Brad and Angelina. Is Posh pregnant? X Factor, Atkins Diet, Feng Shui, split ends, text me, text me, text me. Dear God, the never ending fountain of fat, stupid trivia. I deserve a medal.
The Doctor: Oh, is that what she's offered you? The Empress of the Racnoss? What are you, her consort?
Lance: It's better than a night with her.
Donna: But I love you.
Lance: That's what made it easy. It's like you said, Doctor. The big picture. What's the point of it all if the human race is nothing? That's what the Empress can give me. The chance to go out there. To see it. The size of it all. I think you understand that, don't you, Doctor?
*****************************
Empress: Harvest the humans! Reduce them to meat.
(Energy lances out from the spaceship's lower four arms, wreaking havoc in the streets. The little girl screams as one beam cuts through the road until someone snatches her out of its way.) My children are climbing towards me and none shall stop them.
(A robot walks up the steps.) So you might as well unmask, my clever little doctor man.
(The Doctor removes the robot mask and robe.) The Doctor: Oh well. Nice try. I've got you, Donna!
(He points his sonic screwdriver at Donna, and the web starts to give way.) Donna: I'm going to fall!
The Doctor: You're going to swing! I've got you!
(Screaming, Donna swings across the hole, past the Empress and stops underneath the landing where the Doctor is standing. The strand of web was just six feet too long. She drops to the ground with a clang.) Oh. Sorry.
Donna: Thanks for nothing.
Empress: The doctor man amuses me.
The Doctor: Empress of the Racnoss, I give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you and your children a place in the universe to co-exist. Take that offer and end this now.
Empress: These men are so funny.
The Doctor: What's your answer?
Empress: Oh I'm afraid I have to decline.
The Doctor: What happens next is your own doing.
Empress: I'll show you what happens next. At arms! Take aim! And
The Doctor: Relax.
(The robots slump.) Donna: What did you do?
The Doctor: Guess what I've got, Donna?
(A robot remote control.) Pockets.
Donna: How did that fit in there?
The Doctor: They're bigger on the inside.
Empress: Roboforms are not necessary. My children may feast on Martian flesh.
The Doctor: Oh, but I'm not from Mars.
Empress: Then where?
The Doctor: My home planet is far away and long since gone. But its name lives on. Gallifrey.