[Susan Foreman]

Television rather than film

'Dad's Army' - Series 6, episode 1 - 'The Deadly Attachment'

I'm sure that everyone knows the classic scene in this epsode:

Mainwaring: [the platoon is holding a U-boat crew as prisoners. Pike is covering them from the top of a ladder, holding a tommy gun. Mainwaring addresses them] Now pay attention.
[the Germans snap smartly to attention]
Wilson: Oh I say, they're awfully well-disciplined, aren't they, sir?
Mainwaring: Nothing of the sort. It's slavish, blind obedience. Not like the cheerful discipline of our own jolly jack tars. I tell you Wilson, they're a nation of automatons, led a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.
U-Boat Captain: How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non-Aryan clown!
Mainwaring: Now look here...
U-Boat Captain: [Takes out pencil and notebook] I am making notes Captain. And your name... will go on the list. And when we win he war, you will be brought to account.
Mainwaring: Write what you like, you're not going to win this war.
U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are.
Mainwaring: Oh, no you're not!
U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are!
Pike: [singing and laughing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you...
U-Boat Captain: [Points pencil at Pike. The words die on Pike's lips] Your name will also go on the list. What is it?
Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike!
U-Boat Captain: 'Pike', thank you.

However, because people are so familiar with this, an earlier surrealistic scene is unfortunately overlooked

Mainwaring: Pay attention. I've received a directive from GHQ about Nazi parachutists. I'll read it. "There is a danger the Home Guard might confuse British pilots bailing out with German parachute troops. Not that our chaps get shot down often, but this could happen. Remember that no British plane contains more than six men". So if you see some parachutists floating down, you count them, and if there are more than six, you shoot them.
Pike: Mr Mainwaring? If they're dressed as nuns, do we still count them?
Mainwaring: Count them however they're dressed. But it isn't likely that a plane-load of real nuns would be floating down in parachutes.
Jones: You can't be too sure, sir. I look at it this way - supposing in Occupied France there's this nunnery, and one day the chief nun calls the others round and says, "Now, listen, girls, let us escape to dear old England." They all creep out, they get hold of a plane, and fly and fly. When they get to England, they're not cognisant with landing methods, so they jump out in parachutes.
Mainwaring: You're into the realms of fantasy here.
Jones: It's a possibility, sir. It's a possibility.
Mainwaring: Very unlikely, but we must be prepared.
WIlson: It's really all quite simple. When they come floating down, the turbulence of the air will cause their habits to rise so you'll see their legs, and you can tell if it's a real nun or not.
Mainwaring: Yes. Very good point, Wilson.
Wilson: Thank you.
Mainwaring: Very good. You must look at their legs.
Godfrey: Sir, I wouldn't care to look at a nun's legs. It's very impolite.
Mainwaring: Force yourself - this is war!
Pike: Mr Mainwaring?
Mainwaring: Yes?
Pike: What are nuns' legs like? I've never seen them.
Walker: I don't think anybody has.
Frazer: Hairy 'uns!
Mainwaring: What did you say, Frazer?
Frazer: If they're Nazis, they'll have horrible hairy legs wi' jackboots.
Pike: What if they're real nuns with hairy legs?
Mainwaring: That'll do.