Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Doctor, The Widow And The Wardrobe
(On a spaceship, the Doctor is making a phone call to the Tardis.) The Doctor [OC]: Amy. Amy? Hello? Amy, it's me, the Doctor. Hello. Bit of a situation.
Computer: Intruder alert.
The Doctor: I've got my finger on a button, which is fine, but as soon as I take my finger off the button the spaceship is going to explode.
(Sparks.) Argh. Which is good in one way, because the spaceship in question is about to attack the Earth, but bad in another way, because I'm on the spaceship and I'm going to get all smithereened. Now, plan. I'm going to send you the coordinates so you can fly the Tardis here and rescue me. Only three flaws in this plan as far as I can see. One, I don't have the coordinates. Two, you can't fly the Tardis. Three, oh dear, you're not even there. You left ages ago. Oh, well. I think I just wanted a chat before all the smithereens. Merry Christmas, Amelia.
(He closes his eyes and releases the red button. The spaceship starts to go KaBOOM!)
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(It is the late 1930s. A woman is bicycling along when she hears an Argh! and a Whumph! as something hits the ground at speed. She falls off her bicycle into a hedge, then goes to investigate the crater in the field nearby. It contains an occupied spacesuit.) Madge: Hello? Hello? Hello, are you all right?
The Doctor: Ow.
Madge: Are you hurt? Did you fall? Where did you fall from?
The Doctor: Helmet.
Madge: All right, just just let me. I don't want to hurt you.
(She raises the solid protective visor, then the transparent one, to reveal a lot of hair.) Oh.
The Doctor: I can't see. I'm blind!
Madge: Oh no, love, no. I think you've just got your helmet on backwards. How did you manage that?
The Doctor: I got dressed in a hurry.
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Madge: Don't you want me to take you to hospital or something? You're welcome to come to our house.
The Doctor: No, no, no. I'm fine. I just need to find the, er, the key.
Madge: Do you want me to do it with a pin? I'm good with a pin.
(She takes out a hair grip.) The Doctor: Multi-dimensional, triple encoded temporal interface. Not really susceptible to pointy things.
Madge: Got it.
The Doctor: Okay. Suddenly the last nine hundred years of time travel seem that bit less secure
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Madge: Who are you?
The Doctor: I'm the caretaker.
Madge: But you're not Mister Cardew.
The Doctor: I agree.
Madge: I don't understand. Are you the new caretaker?
The Doctor: Usually called the Doctor. Or the Caretaker or Get Off This Planet. Though, strictly speaking, that probably isn't a name. Hello, Madge Arwell.
Madge: Hello.
The Doctor: And Cyril Arwell. And Lily Arwell. Now, come on, come on. Lots to see. Whistle stop tour. Take notes, there will be questions.
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Lily: I don't understand. Is this place real, or is it fairyland?
The Doctor: Fairyland? Oh, grow up, Lily. Fairyland looks completely different.
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The Doctor: This is one of the safest planets I know. There's never anything dangerous here.
(The ground shakes.) There are sentences I should just keep away from.