Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes
The Husbands Of River Song
River: And now that you've met me, you'll do your very best to forget me.
The Doctor: River!
Nardole: Oi! Doctor Song to you. Sometimes Professor, but mainly Doctor.
River: Don't use my name. Ever. How do you know me?
The Doctor: Well, it's a tiny bit complicated. People usually need a flowchart.
River: It doesn't matter. If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order. Any questions?
The Doctor: Which alphabet?
(grin fades) Sorry, you really didn't want these questions, did you?
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Hydroflax: I'll have you flogged and flayed and burnt. I will crush every last remnant of you from this universe.
River: How dare you! I'm your wife.
Hydroflax: You planned to murder me!
River: Don't change the subject.
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River: I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone.
The Doctor: Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?
Ramone: We're not actually married.
River: Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.
Ramone: Why?
River: Well, you were being annoying
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River: I need time travel. I need this Tardis.
The Doctor: I'm sorry. The word steal. Somebody said steal.
River: Yes. We're going to steal this box. Hush, you wouldn't understand.
The Doctor: You can't.
River: Why can't I?
The Doctor: You can't just steal a Ta. A box.
River: Why not?
The Doctor: Look, it says Police.
River: I have a key.
(River produces a Yale type key and opens the Tardis door.) The Doctor: Okay. This er Damsel person. He sounds, he sounds pretty dangerous. Ish.
River: It's a time machine. I can take it, do whatever I want for as long as I like and pop it back a second later. He'll never know it was gone.
The Doctor: Yes, he will.
River: How?
The Doctor: He'll just know.
River: Well, he's never noticed before.
The Doctor: Maybe he'll notice now.
(River bursts out laughing.) River: I'll see you on Temple Beach.
(kisses Ramone) I've already picked out your swimwear.
Ramone: Okay, but be careful.
River: Absolutely not. You, with me. Bring the head.
(River goes inside the Tardis.) Ramone: Please, look after her for me.
(Ramone starts to walk away, then stops. River pops her head out of the Tardis.) River: Oh, before you come in, you'd better prepare yourself for a shock. It's not as snug as it looks.
(She goes back inside.) The Doctor: Finally.
Ramone: Finally?
The Doctor: It's my go. Oh. My, God! Oh, it's bigger...
River: Well, yes.
The Doctor: ...On the inside...
River: We need to concentrate.
The Doctor: ...Than it is...
River: I know where you're going with this, but I need you to calm down.
The Doctor: ...On the outside!
River: You've certainly grasped the essentials.
The Doctor: My entire understanding of physical space has been transformed! Three-dimensional Euclidean geometry has been torn up, thrown in the air and snogged to death! My grasp of the universal constants of physical reality has been changed forever.
(River has gone down the stairs.) Sorry. I've always wanted to see that done properly.
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The Doctor: We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!
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Flemming: Is the gentleman here for dinner?
The Doctor: Yes, he is.
Flemming: Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.
The Doctor: No, you won't.
River: Er, he will in fact be joining me to eat.
Flemming: I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required
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The Doctor: What do you think, by the way?
River: Of what?
The Doctor: My new body.
River: Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.