[Frankie Teardrop]

CANNIBAL CAMPOUT - For god's sake never tell a cannibal you're pregnant, you'll end up in a gag that goes something like "now there's a womb with a view!". That gag appears in 'Cannibal Campout', and it's about as hilarious as the bit where someone mentions "I think I saw some blood on that cloth", and then ten minutes later says "yes, I've definitely found some blood this time." 'Cannibal Campout' is a relatively well known shot-on-video flick from the late eighties. Some college kids go on a camping trip and find that the woods are where a trio of comedy cannibals get their wretched kicks. Tonally, it walks a tightrope between mirth (a lot of it unintentional) and a weird sense of doom. Lots of shots of wind in the trees combine with cheap eighties synths, bad edits and wonky facial expressions to conjure a haze of meanings that aren't really there. Little throwaways like cannibals eating with their mouths full are cute, as is some of their banter. Look past the stiff acting and repetition and you'll find some really grotty gore waiting for you at the end. Watching it again after some years I quite enjoyed it, but like one of the characters says several times in a row, "we've got to get out of these woods."

DEVIL'S KISS - Pure Eurocine, by which I mean it goes for sexy horror thrills, ends up like a soap opera where nothing really happens but then somehow mesmerises with a load of dreamy nonsense. Some people are in a big gothic castle... etc. A sort of Frankenstein appears after a while. It's as snoozy as hell, but I liked it. It's a film of fragments, images that spin the mind before releasing it back to torpor. A dwarf dreams of a blue lit nude on horseback before Frankenstein strangles him. Earlier, Silvia Solar tried to seduce that same dwarf by undressing in a mirror. It didn't work, and neither does the scientist who looks like Peston and just happens to be telepathic. Characters occasionally stop the film to deliver little explanations - "looks like we hid the dwarf and the coffin in time, that's why no-one realises it's us - whew!" - when they're not spouting dialogue made up of cod scientific gobbledegook that verges on experimental theatre. The lack of tension and meaning should automatically consign it to the oblivion of duds, but it's all wrapped up in candlelight, crumbling archways and an organ drone soundtrack, plus of course there's some random nakedness for anyone who likes sleaze in castles. You could imagine Franco doing it, but it would be more warped and shorter.