17th February 2018, 06:49 AM
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 | Cult Master | | Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Childhood home of Billy Idol - Orpington | |
Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners | The Independent - “I am Holly, the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6,000. The same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.” – Holly
- “‘Mr Arnold’ isn’t his name. His name’s Rimmer, or ‘smeghead’, or ‘dinosaur-breath’, or ‘molecule-mind’, or on rare occasions when you want to be really mega-polite to him – and we’re talking mega polite here – on those exceptional circumstances you can call him ‘a**ehole’.” – Lister
- “Hey, this has been a really good day. I’ve eaten five times, I’ve slept six times, and I’ve made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I’m going to see if I can have sex with something!” – Cat
- “Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.” – Rimmer
- Kryten: “The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.”
Rimmer: “But who would do that?”
Lister: “Someone who badly needed a pen.” - Rimmer: “Step up to Red Alert.”
Kryten: “Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.” - “I think we’re losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between ‘The League Against Salivating Monsters’ or my own personal preference, which is ‘The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society’. One drawback with that: the abbreviation is c.l.i.t.o.r.i.s.” – Rimmer
- “Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.” – Lister
- Lister: “We’re a real Mickey Mouse operation, aren’t we?”
Cat: “Mickey Mouse? We ain’t even Betty Boop!” - Ace Rimmer: “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”
Lister: “You can’t confuse Rimmer with a book. A book’s got a spine.” - Cat: “What was it like being a hamster?”
Lister: “It was better than being a chicken. Have you seen the size of an egg? Seen the size of a chicken’s bum? That’s what all the clucking was about.” - “I hate your guitar. If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood, I’d have moved in with an Australian soap star.” – Rimmer
- Kryten: “With respect, sir, they’re not androids, they’re Simulants.”
Cat: “What’s the difference?”
Kryten: “Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human’s head and spit down his neck.” - “I am Tarka Dal, ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire” – Lister poses as an alien to try to thwart said merciless Simulants
- Lister: “Listen, Kryten, I’ve been thinking about this. I’ve come up with something.”
Kryten: “Yes, sir?”
Lister: “I’m going to use my brains for the first time in my life.”
Kryten: “Considering the circumstances, sir, do you really believe that’s wise?” - “Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: this is not a daffodil.” – Holly
- “What the hell happened to my teeth?! I could open beer bottles with my overbite!” – Cat, after being transformed into Duane Dibbley
- “Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.” – Rimmer
- Aggressive cowboy: “That pays for the hat. What about the insult?”
Rimmer: “OK, you’re a fat, bearded git with breath that could paralyse a grizzly.” - “According to the damage report machine, there’s several small fires, lots of smoke and the navicom’s fizzing. Oh, damn. Now the damage report machine’s exploded…” – Cat
- Cat: “All in all, a 100 per cent successful trip.”
Kryten: “But, sir, we lost Mr Rimmer!”
Cat: “All in all, a 100 per cent successful trip…” - “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation and obviously death. And failure. But apart from fear, pain and humiliation, failure and the unknown and death, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.” – Rimmer
- “Stoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for Christmas!” – Rimmer, butchering Ace Rimmer’s famous catchphrase
- Rimmer: “What’s that smell? Has there been a fire in here?”
Lister: “Just a small one. I put it out with my beer.”
Rimmer: “For goodness sake Lister that’s terrible!”
Lister: “Don’t panic, I’ve got another one…” - Rimmer: “Kryten, you’re forgetting about Space Corps Directive 1742.”
Kryten: “1742? ‘No member of the Corps should ever report for duty in a ginger toupée?’ Well, thank you for reminding me about that regulation, but I can’t see how it is pertinent to our present situation.” - “Do you think I like living in this big skip with thrusters? I am faced with a neurotic droid who is completely obsessed with my pants drawer.” – Kochanski
- Kryten: “Is this the human value you call ‘friendship’?”
Lister: “Don’t give me that Star Trek crap, it’s too early in the morning.” - “It’s not a bar-room brawl. It’s a bar-room tidy! Unrumble!” – Lister initiates a reverse fight in the magnificent episode ‘Backwards’
- Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
Holly: They’re dead, Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody, Dave.
Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
Holly: Everybody’s dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Todhunter?
Holly: Everybody’s dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Selby?
Holly: They’re all dead. Everybody’s dead, Dave.
Lister: Peterson isn’t, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody, everybody’s dead, Dave!
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He’s dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody’s dead? - “He’s Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
“More reliable than a garden trimmer
“He’s never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
“He’s not bald, and his head doesn’t glimmer…”
__________________
People try to put us down
Just because we get around
Golly, Gee! it's wrong to be so guilty |
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