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Nuclear Teens Get Wasted

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Posted 19th June 2010 at 04:54 PM by Sam@Cult Labs
Updated 7th September 2011 at 12:37 AM by Sam@Cult Labs


PEDROMONKEY


Year: 1982

AKA: Youth Cult of the Holocaust / Radium Punks Eat Shit

Tagline: Life is Short... Time to Kill!

Hal leapt athletically onto the Post-Apocalyptic band wagon in the early 80s with his poverty stricken riff on The Warriors, Escape From New York and The Red Hand Gang, Nuclear Teens Get Wasted. It's a cheap, tatty Motel of a movie, the kind of watch that makes you question your own sanity, then leaves you in need of a long shower and months of intense councilling.

The director had lost big on his previous effort, the clueless and patronizing Teen Beat '81 and he needed a hit before his backers in the church of Scientology sent in the muscle.

Hal, aware of the then current trend for Post-Atomic Urban Thrilllers quickly drafted a script with long time collaborator 'Legs' Ankle (Street Grime / Street Grime 2: Extreme Justice / Roller Zombie) that would satisfy an audience primed for mutated Punks, Gang Rumbles and Muscle Cars with Gun Mounts.

Forge Gridiron (Vampire Airline / Crash Danger Strikes Back / Crash Danger In Africa) is Dale Atmos, leader of the Nuclear Teens, a gang of street wise, irradiated hoodlums with hearts of gold, who decide to take back the night from the hordes of white eyed Muties that infest the bleak, bombed out neighbourhoods of New York AD 2248.




Forge Gridiron relaxes on the set of Nuclear Teens.
Truck Gun Mount just out of shot


After the great Water Wars of 2056, the population dwindled, leaving only pockets of humanity left among the charred ruins of civilization. The few humans unaffected by fall out are prey to marauding tribes of hideous mutants, more animal than man, and they fall under the leadership of The Questioner (Grill Orson - Planet of the Nympho Beasts / Blood Monks From Beyond Time / Slay Me Again For Old Times Sake), an Android built by the United Federation of Surviving Nations three decades after the war.

The Questioner was constructed deep underground and designed to bring a permanent peace to the Earth, to aid man in rebuilding. Instead, The Questioner's cold logic dictated that the Mutants were better adapted to survive the Post-Nuclear world and it set about raising an army against it's creators.




Gail Loveless - Press Photo from 80s Comedy Ski School Academy 2: Loose Powder


After the movie finishes narrating the back story, as filming any of the above would have been a budgetary impossibility, we meet the Nuclear Teens for the first time, crashing through the Bronx streets in a self-armoured Ambulance with a Gattling Gun affixed to the roof.

In the drivers seat is Fix (Gail Loveless - Lowdown Bums Go to Pleasure Town / Forget it Joe! / Firin' Blanks), a 6'2'' Punkette warrior bitch with a claw for a hand. Her biggest kick is hearing a goddamn Muties skull crack under the wheels as she barrels into them at 70 mph.

Shooting down mutated scum on the roof is Greek (Ramp Stickler - Why Does it Sting? / Where Does it Sting? / Quicksand Corridor), a man mountain with a metal plate where half of his face should be. Devoid of speech he can only grunt his hatred for the scorched earth he calls home.

Finally, there's Kudos (Plate Richards - William Shakespere P.I. / Werewolf Cop / No Sex Please, We're Amish), the half-mutant Psychic who had to prove his loyalty to his new friends by gunning down his parents. They still don't trust him...

Together, they rally the human population of New York, bringing every body together to fight the Mutant menace before finally confronting The Questioner himself in a epic mind battle between Kudos, who finally proves his worth, and the rogue machine.

Is Nuclear Teens... a good movie? No. Is Nuclear Teens an entertaining movie? ten times yes! Hal decided to up the gore quota on this gem to cover up the clear lack of money. Mutants get run over, eyes are gouged left right and centre and polystyrene heads explode with alarming regularity.

Add to this the cod-mysticism of Dale Atmos. He's a classic Post-Apocalyptic movie leader, who delivers speech after straight faced speech about mans inherent insanity and his desire for just a small piece of green land to raise cattle on.

Soundtracked by noted Italian Prog-Jazz group Weevil and featuring tracks from the US punk underground (Including music by Erect Youth, Drug Muscle and Radio F**k You), the film manages to wring some atmosphere when the jarring mix of electronic soundscapes and fast, thrashing hardcore accompanies the bleak, graffiti strewn images.

Hal shot this one, as ever, at a headspinning clip leaving no time for niceties. Well known as an ogre, he surpassed himself on set in the second week by inducing the premature birth of a script girls baby when he fired his guns in the air over a luke warm Latte.

Law suits from disgruntled employees and their accelerated offspring were the least of the filmmakers problems though, as his still had Scientologist Assassins lurking around his home and office, waiting to see if the film stiffed.

Luckily, Hal's hunch about making a film in the genre paid off and he had one of the best paydays of his career. He even got a semi-decent review in the New York Alarmer when noted critic Henry Render said "I didn't leave". Hal had the review framed on his living room wall until the day he died.


Forge Gridiron - Selected Filmography

1978 Vampire Airline

1978 Funky Brown Sugar

1978 Death to the Roller Teens

1979 Silk Nights

1979 New York City Cannibal

1980 Greasy Truck Takedown

1981 The Deadly Dead

1981 Crash Danger Strikes Back

1982 Nuclear Teens Get Wasted

1982 Crash Danger In Africa

1983 Red Raw Rock Cops ("The World's First 100% All-Gay Police-Procedural Rock Opera!")

1984 Breakdance Orgy

1984 Welch Tremor - Chopper Patrol

1985 Priest Academy 2: Back in Cassocks

1985 Robo-Nurse

1986 Priest Academy 3: Cardinals on Patrol

1987 Robo-Nurse 2: The Quickening

1988 Ain't No Thang!

1989 Satan's Christmas

1990 The Cradle Killers


A few Words about Weevil...

Legendary Italio-Prog-Jazz luminaries Weevil deserve their own post but for now here's a brief introduction.




Weevil's eponymous debut album



Formed in Milan in 1969 as the cities experimental music underground exploded, Weevil was the brain child of one man, Synth wizard Umberto Spinelli, who has led the group through myriad line up changes over the course of a 40 year career. A full family tree of the band would encompass over 200 players. The group have recorded 75 film soundtracks including music for such classic of horror and fantasy as The Crystal Swordmaster, Murder Contaminate, Seven Blades in Maria and Finishing School of Satan.

Despite the death in 2004 of long term collaborator Elmer Foost following Tinnitus complications, Umberto continues to record and perform as Weevil to this day.

NUCLEAR TEENS GET WASTED MAIN THEME



DAWN OVER THE BROOKLYN RUINS




RUMBLE IN MUTIEVILLE




These MP3s are ripped from my hard fought for and hen's teeth rare soundtrack LP, briefly released to coincide with the films launch by the tiny Unicorn Industries record label. Expect a little crackle and pop.
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