'Don't ask' is still the funniest line ever delivered in nu-Who

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Dark Water

Clara: So, what now? What do we do now? You and me, what happens now? Doctor?
The Doctor: Go to hell.
(The Tardis lands.)
Clara: Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough.
(She walks to the door.)
The Doctor: Clara? You asked me what we're going to do. I told you. We're going to hell. Or wherever it is people go when they die. If there is anywhere. Wherever it is, we're going to go there and we're going to find Danny. And if it is in any way possible, we're going to bring him home. Almost every culture in the universe has some concept of an afterlife. I always meant to have a look around, see if I could find one.
Clara: You're going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Clara: Because of what I just did. I just
The Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

**************************************

Danny: Where am I?
Seb: Okay. You're dead, and this is what's next.
Danny: I'm not dead. How can I be dead?
Seb: Our sincere condolences.
Danny: I'm standing right here.
Seb: Yes, you are. Welcome to the Underworld. Otherwise known as the Nethersphere, or the Promised Land. It's where you go when you die.

***************************************

Missy: Hello. I hope you're well. How may I assist you with your death?
The Doctor: Well, there is, er, no immediate hurry. We're just, er. We're just
Clara: Browsing.
The Doctor: Yeah, yeah, browsing.
Missy: Please, take all the time you need. At 3W, you always have the rest of your life.
The Doctor: Oh, good. That's good to know, Clara, isn't it?
Clara: Yeah. Great.
The Doctor: Exactly what is 3W?
Missy: Apologies. Clearly you have not received the official 3W greetings package.
The Doctor: Well, you know, it's just an unexpected
(Missy lunges at the Doctor, pushing him against the wall then kissing him very intently. The Doctor's eyes bulge and he grabs the wall. Missy finishes by kissing the tip of his nose three times, then she steps back.)
Missy: Welcome to the 3W Institute.
The Doctor: (breathless) Clara, is it over now?
Clara: I think it's over, yeah.
Missy: You also have not received the official welcome package.
Clara: Oh, I'm good, thanks. No worries.
The Doctor: Who are you?
Missy: I am Missy.
Clara: Missy?
Missy: Mobile Intelligent Systems Interface. I am a multi-function, interactive welcome-droid. Helping you to help me to help you.
The Doctor: You're very er realistic.
Clara: Tongues?
The Doctor: Shut up.
Missy: I am fully programmed with social interaction norms appropriate to a range of visitors. Please indicate if you'd like me to adjust my intimacy setting.
(The Doctor peels himself off the wall.)
The Doctor: Oh, yes, please. Please do that. Do that now right now.
Clara: Maybe just a tad, yeah.

************************************

Seb: And the Wi-Fi is better out here. Don't know why.
Danny: Wi-Fi?
Seb: Yeah, still a bit spotty, but basically
Danny: You have Wi-Fi here? (Seb is calling something up on his tablet computer.) You. You have iPads in the afterlife?
Seb: IPads? We have Steve Jobs

*************************************

Chang: White noise off the telly. We've all heard it. A few years ago, Doctor Skarosa, our founder, did something unexpected. He played that noise through a translation matrix of his own devising. This is a recording of what he heard.
(A sound wave of multiple voices.)
Clara: Okay, people, voices.
The Doctor: So what?
Chang: Over time, Doctor Skarosa became convinced these were the voices of the recently departed. He believed it was a telepathic communication from the dead.
The Doctor: Why? Was he an idiot?
Chang: He was able to isolate some of the voices, hear what they were saying.
The Doctor: So, an idiot then.
(Chang turns off the recording.)
Clara: Shut up, Doctor.
Chang: What I'm about to play you will change your life and not for the better. These are the three words which caused Doctor Skarosa to set up institutes, like this one, all over the world, to protect the dead. If you'd rather not hear these words, there's still time
The Doctor: Can you just hurry up, please, or I'll hit you with my shoe.
Voice [OC]: Don't cremate me. Don't cremate me!
Chang: There is one simple, horrible possibility that has never occurred to anyone throughout human history.
Voice [OC]: Don't cremate me. Don't cremate me!
Clara: Don't say it.
Chang: The dead remain conscious. The dead are fully aware of everything that is happening to them.

*******************************

The Doctor: How did you get hold of Time Lord technology? Who are you?
Missy: You know who I am. I told you. You felt it. Surely you did.
The Doctor: Two hearts.
Missy: And both of them yours.
The Doctor: You're a Time Lord.
Missy: Time Lady, please, I'm old-fashioned.
The Doctor: Which Time Lady?
Missy: The one you abandoned, Doctor. The one you left for dead. Didn't you ever think I'd find my way back?

*******************************

The Doctor: Get away from here! All of you, run! (The Cybermen stomp out of the Cathedral.) Go! Go! Get away from here! Run away! Run, run! Get away from here all of you, now!
Missy: I'm sorry, everyone. Another ranting Scotsman in the street. I had no idea there was a match on.
The Doctor: Get away, go!
Missy: Stop shouting, love. Stop making a fuss. It's too late. All the graves of planet Earth are about to give birth. You know the key strategic weakness of the human race? The dead outnumber the living.
The Doctor: Who are you?
Missy: Oh, you know who I am. I'm Missy.
The Doctor: Who's Missy?
Missy: Please, try to keep up. Short for Mistress. Well, I couldn't very well keep calling myself the Master, now could I?

Image of the Day # 224
 

A U.N.I.T. road block in The Green Death (1973)

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Great picture

Protecting the nation from Uranus Milk no doubt :laugh:
:behindsofa:

As far as i'm aware the Brig had just seen The Living Daylights and decided all milk men were rum sorts probably working for foreign powers.

(The guards raise the barrier for the familiar milk float, but it is a very old man with glasses and moustache driving.)
GUARD: Where's the other bloke?
DOCTOR: Oh the poor boyo is taken very sick. Something he ate, his mam said.
GUARD: Who are you, then?
DOCTOR: Me, oh, I'm his Da. I mean, they told me I was too old to take over, they did, but I've been doing this milk round, oh, fifty-three years, wet or fine, didn't I. Oh, there's life in the old dog yet. Ah, I was only saying to Rosie up at the Red Dragon. A big fine strapping girl she is
GUARD: Look, I haven't got time to listen to you blathering. Just get on in.
DOCTOR: Thank you.
GUARD: Yes, and you.

Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Death In Heaven

Missy: Look at them! My boys.
The Doctor: Cybermen in broad daylight? You think people won't notice?
(They notice, and out come the smart phones to take the photographs. Missy unpins her hat and puts it on the ground at a Cyberman's feet.)
Missy: Photos with the big metal men, one pound. (Several coins are thrown into her hat.) Oh, honey!
(One teenage lad takes a selfie of himself, a Cyberman and his girlfriend.)
Boy: There you go.
Girl: Oh, cool. Cool!

******************************************

Osgood: Would you like me to take a picture? Sorry, selfies are never as good, are they? And you're having a lovely moment. Hang on!
(Osgood snatches Missy's phone. The Doctor grabs Missy's arm.)
Missy: No, just
The Doctor: Nice bow tie.
Osgood: Bow ties are cool. Big smiles, and now!
(Weapons are taken from pushchairs and backpacks. Soldiers come out of the buildings on both sides.)
Soldiers: Move, move, move! Stand by. Surround target. Hold back!
(Once the scene is secure, a blonde woman walks up holding something behind her back.)
Kate: Afternoon. You've picked a lovely day for it. My, don't you look shiny. (to the Doctor) Haircut?
The Doctor: Bit of a trim.
Kate: Might want to do your roots. The woman.
Soldier: Yes, ma'am.
(Missy is held by two soldiers. Kate Lethbridge Stewart addresses the serried ranks of Cybermen.)
Kate: Kate Stewart. Divorcee, mother of two, keen gardener, outstanding bridge player. Also Chief Scientific Officer, Unified Intelligence Taskforce, who currently have you surrounded.
Cyberman: Human weaponry is not effective against Cyber technology.
Kate: Sorry, you left this behind on one of your previous attempts. (She throws down a battered Mondas Cyberman head. A soldier brings the Doctor forward to stand next to her.) So now that I have your attention, welcome to the only planet in the universe where we get to say this. He's on the payroll.
The Doctor: Am I?
Kate: Well, technically.
The Doctor: How much?
Kate: Shush. Any questions?

*******************************************

Missy: Cybermen don't just blow themselves up for no good reason, dear. They're not human

********************************************

The Doctor: Where are we going? Cloudbase?
Kate: You mean the Valiant?
Osgood: Cloudbase was Thunderbirds.
Kate: Too conspicuous. We need your location concealed, not advertised. From now on you're a moving target.
(The Doctor looks at a portrait of Brigadier Sir Alistair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart on the bulkhead.)
The Doctor: Ah, I see you're bringing Daddy along, too. That's very sweet.
(An Indian Army officer salutes the Doctor.)
Ahmed: Sir.
The Doctor: Oh, don't do that. You look like you're self-concussing, which would explain all of military history, now I think about it.
Ahmed: Colonel Ahmed, sir. Privileged to meet you.
The Doctor: Love your outfit, Colonel Ahmed. Are you in the Scouts? Are you a Man Scout? I didn't know they had those.
(The Doctor walks away to get a hot drink from the sideboard. Osgood walks past Ahmed.)
Ahmed: It was Captain Scarlet.
Osgood: Sorry?
Ahmed: Not Thunderbirds.
Osgood: Oh God, so it was,
The Doctor: My confidence is growing every minute.
(Kate informs the cockpit of their status.)
Kate: The President is on board.
The Doctor: Mind you, me and Sylvia Anderson, you've never seen a foxtrot like it

**************************************

Missy: (sings) Hey, Missy, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Missy. Hey. (speaks.) Excuse me. Hi. Can I tell you something really important?
Osgood: What.
Missy: (sotto) I have to whisper it. It's, like, so important to everyone on this plane. You'll get in trouble if you don't listen.
Osgood: Right. If it was that important, why would you tell us?
Missy: Well, look at me, I'm bananas. (sotto) Come on. Just a wee bit closer. Just a little closer. (normal) You know, the Doctor will be really impressed if you learn my secret. You can come a bit closer than that. Come on, stop mucking about. Don't be shy. You don't smell half as bad as you think you do.
Osgood: There are two armed men directly behind you.
Missy: (sotto) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Osgood: If you've got something to say, just say it.
Missy: Ahem. (Osgood leans in to listen.) (sotto) I'm going to kill you in a minute. I'm not even kidding. You're going to be as dead as a fish on a slab any second now, all floppy and making smells. But don't tell the boys. This is our secret girl plan.
Osgood: Why would you bother killing me? I'm not even important.
Missy: Oh, silly. Why does one pop a balloon? Because you're pretty. You should have a bit more confidence in yourself.
Osgood: Okay. Sorry, I've got work to do.
Missy: All right, fine. You get on. You get that finished. Would a countdown help you focus at all?
Osgood: No, that's okay.
Missy: Ten. Don't be scared yet, cos I'm still in double figures.
Osgood: I'm not scared.
Missy: Nine. Well, no, of course you're not, cos you know you're dying anyway. Eight. Human beings are born dying. Your life spans are hilarious.
Osgood: Please be quiet.
Missy: Seven. You know from the minute you slop out, you're rotting, decaying. The stench of you. Phew. I'm never going to get this place clean. Three.
Osgood: Three?
Missy: I'm accelerating for dramatic effect. Oh! What's that in your pocket?
Osgood: There's nothing in my pocket
(Osgood reaches into her lab coat pocket and pulls out a pair of handcuffs.)
Missy: Oh my giddy aunt. The quiet ones are the worst.
Osgood: Well, those aren't mine.
Missy: Hmm. (Missy applies red lipstick.) Then they must be mine. (In the blink of an eye, she has her arm around Osgood's throat, grabbed her thingy from the desk and vaporised the two soldiers.) Say something nice.
Osgood: Missy, the Master, whatever you call yourself, I promise, I'm much more useful to you alive.
Missy: Oh, yeah, that's true. That's definitely true. That is a good point well made. I'm proud of you, sister. But did I mention bananas! Pop. (Missy vaporises Osgood.) Ah. Thanks for being yummy.

***************************************

Missy: Boys, blow up this plane and, I don't know, Belgium, yeah? Kill some Belgians. Might as well. They're not even French. Byeeee!
(She teleports herself away. The Doctor is hanging on for dear life.)
The Doctor: Aaah! Aaah! (The airplane goes KaBOOM!) Argh! Argh! (He freefalls.)
(Missy and Seb watch him fall on a holo-screen.)
Missy: Well, that's very boring. Oh, he's just going to squish. What kind of a way is that to die? That man has no finesse, none.
Seb: Well, it's quite dramatic.
Missy: You're an AI interface. Kindly delete your opinions, thank you.
(The Doctor reaches into his inside coat pocket.)
Seb: W-w-what's he doing? Is he? Is he? Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. N-now, that's (The Doctor aims himself at something below. He breaks through the clouds and the city lights shine beneath him. And up comes the Tardis.) Oh! Permission to squeeeee
(Missy deletes Seb. Permanently)

***************************************

Missy: Ten zero eleven, zero zero by zero two
The Doctor: What did you say??
Missy: The current coordinates of Gallifrey. It's returned to it's original location. Didn't you ever think to look?
The Doctor: You are lying!
Missy: We can, we can go together, just you and me. Just like the old days.
The Doctor: You'd be clapped in irons.
Missy: If you like.

Image of the Day # 225
 

The logo of the base in the 2006 two parter The Impossible Planet / The Satan Pit

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Doctor Who over the years: Episode quotes

Last Christmas

Santa [OC]: Argh! (Bells jingle) Moron! Numbskull! Elf!
Ian [OC]: That's racist!
Santa [OC]: Of course it's not racist, you are an elf.

*********************************************

Ian: Er, sir? We've been seen.
Santa: Hello.
Clara: Hello.
Wolf: Hello, ha ha!
Ian: Hello, human.
Wolf: You can't call her human.
Ian: It's not racist. They don't mind.
Santa: Hush up, both of you. Oh, sorry about this, girl. We are just three passing, perfectly ordinary roof people, doing some emergency roof things. Carry on. Merry Christmas. If, if it is Christmas, I mean. Heh, heh. I don't much care for things like that, myself. Pfft. I mean, Christmas. (laughs)
Clara: Are you Santa Claus?
Santa: Me? No. Oh, no. It's ridiculous. Heh, heh. No, no, no.
(But then Clara sees the reindeer fly past behind him.)
Wolf: Rudolph! Rudolph! Down here now!
Santa: All right, fine, yes. Yes, it's me. Ha! Guilty. How did you recognise me?
Wolf: You know how you grew that beard as a bit of a disguise? People have picked up on it.

********************************************

Ashley: What is that?
The Doctor: That's how Clara and I got here.
Ashley: In a box?
The Doctor: Technically, in a telephone kiosk.
Ashley: (laughs) How?
The Doctor: Because it's a spaceship in disguise. You know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart?
Ashley: What?
The Doctor: They're both ridiculous.

********************************************

Shona: Reindeer can't fly. They just can't.
Santa: No. No, they can't. It's a scientific impossibility. That is why I feed mine magic carrots.

********************************************

Albert: They're a bit like Facehuggers, aren't they?
The Doctor: Face huggers?
Albert: You know, Alien. The horror movie, Alien.
The Doctor: There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you.

Image of the Day # 226
 

Alister Pearson's cover to the 1996 Virgin Past Adventures novel Killing Ground, by Steve Lyons, featuring Colin Baker's Sixth Doctor and two story companion Grant Markham